Confidence

A couple of weeks ago, after Christian and I turned out the light and said our good-nights, I whispered, "I'm scared" into the dark and started sobbing. I know it broke his heart to hear me say it but it broke mine to admit it to us both.   I was mainly scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to be a good mama to Sam and John on delivery day.  I was scared that if labor started right then, my heart would fail me and I would spend precious moments being a mess instead of being a smiling, soothing and comforting presence to my boys.  I've been told numerous times that children feed off of their parents' emotions and I believe it.  So it has been one of my continual prayers that I am able to praise God for every moment we have John and remain in a spirit of Thanksgiving, peace and love the whole time he is with us. I've witnessed firsthand how beautiful and peaceful it is when someone is loved over into eternity.  My Granny passed away this summer and we were all at her bedside when she left this world. For two days my mom held her, recounted happy memories and told her that she could go to Jesus now if it was her time. She smiled at Granny and listed all the people in Heaven who would be so happy to see her.  The few times Granny opened her eyes, she saw loving, smiling faces that told her she was not alone and that it was okay if she had to leave. If John has to leave us, then I want that for him.  I have been scared for the past few weeks that I wouldn't be strong enough but I'm not scared anymore.  This weekend I spent a lot of time in scripture and in prayer pouring out my doubt to the Lord and He heard me.  This specific fear has been removed from my heart and it has been replaced by confidence! I am confident that on delivery day the Lord will drink deeply of my despair and will be present to shower joy over my heart so that I can love my baby into eternity. 

This week I read these words and they echo exactly what I am feeling in my heart:

Psalm 40: 1-5

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

    and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

    out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

    and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

    a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

    They will put their trust in the Lord.

 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,

    who have no confidence in the proud

    or in those who worship idols.

O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.

    Your plans for us are too numerous to list.

    You have no equal.

If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,

    I would never come to the end of them. 

I am starting to get excited about delivery day.  I'd like to put it off until December 3rd so that Sam has plenty of time to develop but I am not dreading it like I was.  I'm in a place of waiting but not worrying like before. I was reminded this morning to, "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7.  It's hard to do much else on bed rest! :) 

My appointments with Dr. B and Dr. U went well this week. Dr. B did a sonogram and both boys look good! We didn't get a good photo of either because they are so squished in my belly but John was moving all around and Sam had his fists in front of his face again. I saw Dr. U yesterday and he said that I'm now measuring 40 weeks - I definitely feel it!  Both doctors say that getting to 34 weeks (this Sunday) is a great milestone and Dr. U says that if I can make it to 35 weeks the chances of Sam coming home when I do are very high! Thank you for your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy and good doctors appointments.

I do have a specific prayer request: Maggie has been sick the past 3 days. She just has a cold but she hasn't been sleeping well and she's been very clingy. Please pray that she is well before I go into the hospital. Her mama being away for a few nights will be even harder on her if she isn't feeling well.

Thank you for your prayers old friends, new friends and future friends! There is nothing I appreciate more than you lifting up my family in prayer to our faithful God. I know He hears us and He has the awesome power to replace fear with confidence! 

"My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!" - Psalm 57:7

Love, Krystle

32 weeks, 4 days!

Your prayers are working friends! It's been over a week since my last post and these babies are still in my belly, praise God! I see Dr. B and Dr. U weekly now and both of our appointments this week went well.  Lene' went with me to Dr. B's on Monday and we watched as they measured Sam and John.  Sam looks wonderful and is practicing breathing, which is a great sign! He weighs about 4 lbs and had both of his fists up against his face so we could not get a good profile picture.  John's heartbeat was strong and he was moving around a lot.  It's hard for them to get a good estimate on how much he weighs because weight is estimated by arm & leg lengths and head & belly circumference.  His arms and legs measure 16-17 weeks, his head measures 35 weeks and his belly measures 32 weeks so the formulas are off but Dr. B assumes he weighs around 3 lbs. His heart is now taking up more than 70% of his tiny chest and he is not practicing breathing, as expected. We did get to see his tiny hands and I enjoyed that. Dr. B and Dr. U both say that each day I stay pregnant takes about 3 days off of Sam's NICU stay, so everyday is a victory and praise.  All of the prayers, bed rest and medicines are working and they both think I could make it to 34 weeks/November 19th but I haven't given up on Dec. 3rd!

Speaking of bed rest, I am so blessed to have my mom and Lene' close by.  My mom comes over every morning before Christian leaves for work and stays with me and Maggie until he gets home.  She entertains Maggie, anticipates my every need, drives me to appointments, cleans my house and buys groceries. Besides taking care of all the daily stuff, she is also here to hold me when I'm sad.  I don't think there is any substitute for your mom's arms when you are crying, especially when those arms hug as well as Laura Kirchmeyer's!  I do not know what we would do without her and I hope I'm half the mom that she is. Lene' is mini-mom and fills in wherever we need her. She is up all hours of the night so when I can't sleep, or I'm having contractions at 3am, I'm able to talk to her. She is hilarious when I need to laugh and comforting when I'm upset. When I ask her opinion on something she really thinks about it, researches it and comes back with a thoughtful response. I hope everyone has a friend or sibling like that in their life.

I have so much to be thankful for so I feel guilty for the sadness I've been feeling this week. The steroid shots and the anti-contraction medicine make me feel jittery, anxious and like I'm having a panic attack so I'm sure that has made it worse.  I'm having a hard time thinking about when John physically leaves us.  I don't know how I call a nurse to come take my baby from me.  How do I decide when I've held him long enough? And how do I sleep in a hospital knowing that my baby is in some cold dark place all alone in the same building?  My head tells me that he will no longer be there. I know he will be in Paradise experiencing so much joy and love but I go crazy thinking about him being alone.  I've read that it's easier for some moms to have their baby go straight from their arms to the funeral home. I think I've decided on this but then I change my mind.  I don't know how you make these decisions. I've been praying for discernment but so far I just feel like there are only bad choices.  I've also been sad thinking about Sam being in the NICU.  If he is, I won't be able to see him for 12 hours or more after having a c-section.  I feel silly admitting that. I know there are so much more important things than worrying about not being with him right away. I know Sam won't be alone and a family member will be with him. I am thankful that my doctors say that Sam should be perfectly healthy after a brief NICU stay, if any. I try to focus on that but this week I just keep fearing that I'll be leaving the hospital without either of my babies and it makes my heart hurt. I've known this is the case all along but this week it is occupying my thoughts. 

I haven't been as intentional in my bible study and quiet time this week. I believe the majority of this sadness and worry is the result.  I have spent hours thinking and praying but not hearing what the Lord has to say to me through His word. I know only the Great Physician can heal my heart and give me the comfort I need. I plan on spending time in His word this weekend.

Thank you for your prayers for my family.
Love, Krystle

Prayers needed

Family and friends, I need your prayers. I have been having contractions and some signs of preterm labor this week.  I went to see Dr. U this morning and initially he said everything looked great. I'm only 20% effaced and he said he could see me making it another 3 weeks.  He did a fetal fibronectin test and sent me home with orders to stay in bed as much as possible.  Dr. U called me back around 1:30pm this afternoon and said that the fetal fibronectin test came back positive, which means that my body is getting ready for labor.  A negative result means that you have a less than 5% chance of delivering in the next week or two. A positive result means that the FFN protein is present and you have a high chance of going into labor in the next week.  Dr. U called Dr. B and they decided that the best action was for me to head into Dr. B's office for a corticosteroid injection to help the boys' lung develop as much as possible before delivery.  The steroid is given in two injections 24 hours apart so I will be going back tomorrow for my second dose.  I am not 32 weeks until Sunday, I won't be 34 weeks until November 19th and, as you know, I won't be 36 weeks until December 3rd. I've been praying so expectantly to not have these boys until December 3rd. I know you have joined me in that prayer.  God is bigger than medicine and I know He can delay delivery until December 3rd but according to my doctors, it would be a huge blessing to still be pregnant at Thanksgiving.  I will be on bed rest at home until I go into labor.  I'm heartsick and scared this afternoon and need your prayers that my boys remain safe and that my anxious heart is calmed.   I'm holding fast to the promise below: 

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” Matthew 7: 7-10

I've shared this before but my most frequent prayer over the past 3 months has been for the Lord to keep my babies safe and pain-free, and also for them to know how much I love them.  I have no doubt that they feel my love, and as of right now, they are safe and pain-free so I will praise His name for that.  Thank you for being my prayer warriors!

Love, Krystle

Worry

There are only 43 days until December 3^rd. I get excited and nervous thinking about that.  One month and 12 days is not very far away at all, and I know it will speed by with the election and Thanksgiving.  I have been focused the past 3 months on doing everything that needs to get done before delivery day...I've had meetings, made lists, packed hospital bags, Maggie bags, snack bags, re-packed bags, arranged plans (and back up plans!) and read way too many books. Now I've run out of things "to do." I've been asking Lene' and my mom, "Can you think of anything I haven't done yet?" and it's kind of driving me crazy.  I don't think you can ever prepare for something like this but my head tells me I cannot be prepared enough. I felt anxious when I had 20 things to take care of and now I feel worried that I don't have any big things left to accomplish.  I think the 'doing' has helped me feel like I have a little bit of control in all of this..... I think I hear God laughing! :)

One thing Christian and I have discussed quite a bit is stress and worry.  He reminds me that anxiety and stress will make you unhealthy and hurt your body.  It's true - we've seen the physical toll stress takes on ourselves and family members but how much more of a strain is it on our spiritual health?  This morning I was praying that the Lord take away the anxiety of “things to do” and I was reminded of the below passage. These are beautiful and practical words straight from Jesus: 

^{Matthew 6: 25-34
25} “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

I was convicted this morning of the fact that when I am consumed with worry, I am really questioning whether God can handle this on His own. Why does He need me to be anxious about anything when He's already determined His plan for my life? My stress is not going to change what happens but my prayers could. Acknowledging my anxiety, telling God about it and then making a conscience decision to leave it at His feet is the best thing I can do for myself and my family.  This morning it felt too big to give the Lord all my anxieties about being 'prepared enough' for the hospital so I just prayed that I do not worry about it anymore today.  So far, I haven't, and that is a blessing.  After all, "Today's trouble is enough for today."

I do not go back to Dr. U until November 1st and Dr. B until November 5th.  I will be over 32 weeks by then, which is a huge praise! Babies born at 32 weeks do very well, so every week after 32 is great. Thank you for continuing to pray that I stay pregnant until December 3rd. 

I am praying today that everyone who reads this is able to let go of whatever stress or worry they are carrying in their heart.  I know it is not easy but I also know you will have more peace and comfort once you give it to God.

Love, Krystle  

Photos of Mama and Magpie!

Below are a few of our favorite pictures from a very fun morning! Well, Maggie was not having fun but you'd never know it from the sweet smiles! As I mentioned before, Elena Reid is a dear friend, genius photographer and so very generous to let me share the beautiful photos below.  www.ElenaReidPhotography.com

Love, Krystle

Doctors Appointments and Perspective

Our appointments last week with Dr. B and Dr. U both went well! 
Christian and I got to watch John and Sam move around on the ultrasound and both boys had great heart rates and are growing.  Sam weighed about 2 lbs 5 oz and is measuring a few days larger than his due date. John weighed around 2 lbs and even his tiny arm and leg bones have grown a little.  Dr. B pointed out that John's left lung has developed slightly but not enough to change his prognosis or to support breathing on his own. Dr. U says my belly is measuring over 35 cm already and usually women start contracting around 40 cms.  Both doctors think I'll be measuring 40 cm by 32 weeks and at that point I may be on bed rest or more medications but as of right now, everything looks good!

I'm 28 weeks 4 days pregnant, have gained 19 lbs, my anemia is getting better and I haven't had any additional 'false alarms.' These are all blessings that I can praise the Lord for! Your prayers for good doctors appointments are working! :)

I met with our church last week to go over possible funeral arrangements and service plans. This meeting was peaceful and not as painful as I thought it would be.  I felt a warmness while I was there. It was the same tender feeling women get when they come across a really fluffy and soft baby blanket in a store.  You don't intend to buy it but you run your hand over it and you can't help but smile at how sweet it is. Well, I left the church feeling this warmth and sweetness. I even caught myself smiling in the rear view mirror as I pulled out of the parking lot.  It doesn't make sense to me even as I type this but it's the truth, I wasn't the crying mess I thought I'd be. I felt comforted and held.  I read the below scripture this week and I think this is the explanation for the peace I felt:

Isaiah 43: 2-3
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I've been thinking about perspective recently and how just looking at a situation from a different point of view can totally change your attitude.  I came across this story on a blog I follow:

While we were leaving Chuck-e-Cheese, the only place McRae, my youngest daughter, ever picks for our daddy/daughter dates, we heard a police siren. Into the dark fall night the blue lights of a cop car sped by. In the backseat, I heard McRae sigh and say,
“Ohhhh, I love that sound.” That’s a strange thing for a six year old to say, so I asked her why? Without missing a beat she said, “Because that’s the sound of someone getting rescued.”

Isn't that a beautiful way to think of something that normally makes you panic? I also read on a friend's Facebook status, "What if every time you said, "I have to" you said instead, "I get to!" How would that change your outlook?"

Of course, this is not always easy to do but I am going to do my best to think this way as much as I can. 

Thank you for your prayers!
Love, Krystle

Dear John,

Dear John,

Daddy and I are so excited to meet you soon.  We cannot wait to hold you and kiss you and tell you that we love you over and over again.  We want to see if you have lots of dark hair like Maggie and if you have blue eyes like me or brown eyes like Daddy.   I want to stare at you so intensely that I never forget your precious face. I want to kiss each of the little fingers and toes that have been jabbing and kicking me for the last few months.  I want to tell you that Daddy and I have loved you and have been praying for you every day since you were a 2 cell embryo. You have been joyfully anticipated since before you were ever placed in my belly.  

I also want you to know me. I want you to know that if you were colicky, I would hold you for hours and praise God for the cries coming out of your mouth.  I want you to know that every time you fell down, I would kiss your boo-boos and make it better. I want you to know that if you were scared at a sleepover, I would come get you in the middle of the night, and that even when you didn’t eat all your dinner I would still let you have ice cream sometimes.  I would remind you to treat your girlfriend the same way you want a boy to treat Maggie, and I would call you the first day of early voting and remind you to go vote.  

I want you to know that your Daddy would get such a thrill from you running into his arms when he gets home from work.  I want you to know that he would make a silly face or do a ridiculous dance over and over again to hear you laugh.  I know he would tell you not to fight with your brother but he would be so proud when you used one of your Jiu-Jitsu moves effectively.  He would love to take you hunting, fishing and to buy your first pair of soccer cleats. He would take you from me when you were fussy and sing you a Johnny Cash or Bob Marley song but most of all, he’d love to watch you sleep on his chest. 

We both want you to know that we are so proud of you. You have yet to be born but you have brought people closer to the Lord and strengthened families.  You haven’t spoken a word but you’ve made grown men cry. You will never score a touchdown or hit a home-run but you have thousands of people cheering for you. You have made me a better mama, wife, friend and Christ-follower and I have been honored to carry you.

If you see us cry on the day you are born it is because of our deep love for you John. You are already an important part of our family and a huge piece of our hearts.  Learning to live without a piece of your heart is painful but we give thanks to our Father in Heaven who knows what it is like to love and lose a son.  We will continue to rely on His mercy and believe in His goodness all the days of our lives, even when we do not understand His will. 

We know you have been "Wonderfully made" by our Creator and that He has already recorded all of your days in the Book of Life.  We have prayed repeatedly for a miracle but trust in the Lord’s plan for you even if we do not receive the one we are looking for.  We hold on to the promise that you will be fully healed in Heaven and that we will all be together again.  

Our family and this world are better because you exist my beautiful boy. I love you and I look forward to holding you and your brother soon.

Love,

Mama