Worry

There are only 43 days until December 3^rd. I get excited and nervous thinking about that.  One month and 12 days is not very far away at all, and I know it will speed by with the election and Thanksgiving.  I have been focused the past 3 months on doing everything that needs to get done before delivery day...I've had meetings, made lists, packed hospital bags, Maggie bags, snack bags, re-packed bags, arranged plans (and back up plans!) and read way too many books. Now I've run out of things "to do." I've been asking Lene' and my mom, "Can you think of anything I haven't done yet?" and it's kind of driving me crazy.  I don't think you can ever prepare for something like this but my head tells me I cannot be prepared enough. I felt anxious when I had 20 things to take care of and now I feel worried that I don't have any big things left to accomplish.  I think the 'doing' has helped me feel like I have a little bit of control in all of this..... I think I hear God laughing! :)

One thing Christian and I have discussed quite a bit is stress and worry.  He reminds me that anxiety and stress will make you unhealthy and hurt your body.  It's true - we've seen the physical toll stress takes on ourselves and family members but how much more of a strain is it on our spiritual health?  This morning I was praying that the Lord take away the anxiety of “things to do” and I was reminded of the below passage. These are beautiful and practical words straight from Jesus: 

^{Matthew 6: 25-34
25} “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

I was convicted this morning of the fact that when I am consumed with worry, I am really questioning whether God can handle this on His own. Why does He need me to be anxious about anything when He's already determined His plan for my life? My stress is not going to change what happens but my prayers could. Acknowledging my anxiety, telling God about it and then making a conscience decision to leave it at His feet is the best thing I can do for myself and my family.  This morning it felt too big to give the Lord all my anxieties about being 'prepared enough' for the hospital so I just prayed that I do not worry about it anymore today.  So far, I haven't, and that is a blessing.  After all, "Today's trouble is enough for today."

I do not go back to Dr. U until November 1st and Dr. B until November 5th.  I will be over 32 weeks by then, which is a huge praise! Babies born at 32 weeks do very well, so every week after 32 is great. Thank you for continuing to pray that I stay pregnant until December 3rd. 

I am praying today that everyone who reads this is able to let go of whatever stress or worry they are carrying in their heart.  I know it is not easy but I also know you will have more peace and comfort once you give it to God.

Love, Krystle  

Photos of Mama and Magpie!

Below are a few of our favorite pictures from a very fun morning! Well, Maggie was not having fun but you'd never know it from the sweet smiles! As I mentioned before, Elena Reid is a dear friend, genius photographer and so very generous to let me share the beautiful photos below.  www.ElenaReidPhotography.com

Love, Krystle

Doctors Appointments and Perspective

Our appointments last week with Dr. B and Dr. U both went well! 
Christian and I got to watch John and Sam move around on the ultrasound and both boys had great heart rates and are growing.  Sam weighed about 2 lbs 5 oz and is measuring a few days larger than his due date. John weighed around 2 lbs and even his tiny arm and leg bones have grown a little.  Dr. B pointed out that John's left lung has developed slightly but not enough to change his prognosis or to support breathing on his own. Dr. U says my belly is measuring over 35 cm already and usually women start contracting around 40 cms.  Both doctors think I'll be measuring 40 cm by 32 weeks and at that point I may be on bed rest or more medications but as of right now, everything looks good!

I'm 28 weeks 4 days pregnant, have gained 19 lbs, my anemia is getting better and I haven't had any additional 'false alarms.' These are all blessings that I can praise the Lord for! Your prayers for good doctors appointments are working! :)

I met with our church last week to go over possible funeral arrangements and service plans. This meeting was peaceful and not as painful as I thought it would be.  I felt a warmness while I was there. It was the same tender feeling women get when they come across a really fluffy and soft baby blanket in a store.  You don't intend to buy it but you run your hand over it and you can't help but smile at how sweet it is. Well, I left the church feeling this warmth and sweetness. I even caught myself smiling in the rear view mirror as I pulled out of the parking lot.  It doesn't make sense to me even as I type this but it's the truth, I wasn't the crying mess I thought I'd be. I felt comforted and held.  I read the below scripture this week and I think this is the explanation for the peace I felt:

Isaiah 43: 2-3
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I've been thinking about perspective recently and how just looking at a situation from a different point of view can totally change your attitude.  I came across this story on a blog I follow:

While we were leaving Chuck-e-Cheese, the only place McRae, my youngest daughter, ever picks for our daddy/daughter dates, we heard a police siren. Into the dark fall night the blue lights of a cop car sped by. In the backseat, I heard McRae sigh and say,
“Ohhhh, I love that sound.” That’s a strange thing for a six year old to say, so I asked her why? Without missing a beat she said, “Because that’s the sound of someone getting rescued.”

Isn't that a beautiful way to think of something that normally makes you panic? I also read on a friend's Facebook status, "What if every time you said, "I have to" you said instead, "I get to!" How would that change your outlook?"

Of course, this is not always easy to do but I am going to do my best to think this way as much as I can. 

Thank you for your prayers!
Love, Krystle

Dear John,

Dear John,

Daddy and I are so excited to meet you soon.  We cannot wait to hold you and kiss you and tell you that we love you over and over again.  We want to see if you have lots of dark hair like Maggie and if you have blue eyes like me or brown eyes like Daddy.   I want to stare at you so intensely that I never forget your precious face. I want to kiss each of the little fingers and toes that have been jabbing and kicking me for the last few months.  I want to tell you that Daddy and I have loved you and have been praying for you every day since you were a 2 cell embryo. You have been joyfully anticipated since before you were ever placed in my belly.  

I also want you to know me. I want you to know that if you were colicky, I would hold you for hours and praise God for the cries coming out of your mouth.  I want you to know that every time you fell down, I would kiss your boo-boos and make it better. I want you to know that if you were scared at a sleepover, I would come get you in the middle of the night, and that even when you didn’t eat all your dinner I would still let you have ice cream sometimes.  I would remind you to treat your girlfriend the same way you want a boy to treat Maggie, and I would call you the first day of early voting and remind you to go vote.  

I want you to know that your Daddy would get such a thrill from you running into his arms when he gets home from work.  I want you to know that he would make a silly face or do a ridiculous dance over and over again to hear you laugh.  I know he would tell you not to fight with your brother but he would be so proud when you used one of your Jiu-Jitsu moves effectively.  He would love to take you hunting, fishing and to buy your first pair of soccer cleats. He would take you from me when you were fussy and sing you a Johnny Cash or Bob Marley song but most of all, he’d love to watch you sleep on his chest. 

We both want you to know that we are so proud of you. You have yet to be born but you have brought people closer to the Lord and strengthened families.  You haven’t spoken a word but you’ve made grown men cry. You will never score a touchdown or hit a home-run but you have thousands of people cheering for you. You have made me a better mama, wife, friend and Christ-follower and I have been honored to carry you.

If you see us cry on the day you are born it is because of our deep love for you John. You are already an important part of our family and a huge piece of our hearts.  Learning to live without a piece of your heart is painful but we give thanks to our Father in Heaven who knows what it is like to love and lose a son.  We will continue to rely on His mercy and believe in His goodness all the days of our lives, even when we do not understand His will. 

We know you have been "Wonderfully made" by our Creator and that He has already recorded all of your days in the Book of Life.  We have prayed repeatedly for a miracle but trust in the Lord’s plan for you even if we do not receive the one we are looking for.  We hold on to the promise that you will be fully healed in Heaven and that we will all be together again.  

Our family and this world are better because you exist my beautiful boy. I love you and I look forward to holding you and your brother soon.

Love,

Mama

Dry Run

This past week has been full! I think I experienced every emotion imaginable over the past 6 days. 

To start off with, I was bummed Monday and Tuesday because I was missing a big work event in Houston on Tuesday evening.  Everyone insisted that I stay in Austin, and I agreed, but my work is very important to me and I hate to feel like a slacker or that I'm letting anyone down.  My attendance wasn't needed because my business partner Leslie is such a rock star that she could handle it with one hand tied behind her back but I was still upset.  Well, leave it to God to put things into perspective the moment you start feeling sorry for yourself because Tuesday afternoon around 2pm I started having contractions.  Having a contraction here and there is no new thing but these were coming more frequently and lasting longer.  I wasn't nervous until I 'heard' God or the Holy Spirit tell me "You need to pack your bag for the hospital." There wasn't an audible voice but it delivered a distinct and clear message.  I'm not sure if men experience this but you know the feeling when you are sitting at work and something tells you, "You need to call your mom!" and you do and she's been crying?.......or something wakes you in the middle of the night and tells you, "Go check on Maggie!" and sure enough she has a fever?  I think most people call it Women's Intuition but I believe it's the Holy Spirit.  What I heard on Tuesday I can most closely describe as Women's Intuition mixed with a strong spiritual conviction at the same time. I was scared and stressed out because I didn't have everything I needed yet for my hospital bag and it is not December 3rd! Well, fast forward a few hours and my contractions were not going away, the medicine I have for contractions wasn't working and the doctor called and told me to go ahead and check-in at Labor & Delivery at our hospital.  I hastily threw things into my bag and went out the door.  Christian met me there and we were being evaluated a short time later.  The good news is that the contractions stopped with the medicine I had already been taking, so it was just another false alarm.  The worrisome part was that the hospital was not prepared for us as we had been assured they would be.  We met with different officials of the hospital over a month ago to go over our birth/care plan for John and Sam and to make sure they had all the forms and correct authorizations needed to carry out our wishes. We were told repeatedly that when we arrived at the hospital all of this information would be in our record and things would run smoothly.  This was not the case.  It was chaotic.  After a few upsetting comments from our nurse, we had to tell her about John's diagnosis and alert her to the fact that we have a birth plan that we've already discussed with the hospital.  It was not our nurses fault. Yes, she said some insensitive things but under normal circumstances an expectant mom might have thought they were funny. After being monitored and seen by the doctor we were able to go home, thankfully! Praise God!  I was so happy that everything was okay and that I got to go home but I was also worried about how crazy things would have been if that had been delivery day.  I think this dry run at the hospital was a blessing because since Tuesday I have been able to contact the hospital staff, notify them of what went wrong and receive confirmation that it will not be like that on delivery day.  I trust them but just to be safe, I have multiple birth plans, contact lists and emails printed out in my now-almost-completely-packed-hospital bag! :) 

The hospital bag situation brought to mind other ways I am not as prepared as I should be at this point.  All along people have recommended to have as much in place as I can by 28 weeks and I'm 27 weeks.  So I spent time this week thinking of all the things I've yet to do.  For one, I need to have outfits ready to take to the hospital for John. Because of his condition he will not be the same size or proportions as a healthy newborn and I feel strongly that he should have an outfit that fits him in this world. I also know that I would be upset if he didn't have something special to wear when he leaves our arms.  I had mentioned this to Lene' a few weeks ago and I'm so glad I did.  Little did I know, Lene' and my mom have already taken care of all of this!  Lene' special ordered beautiful outfits for John and adorable outfits for Sam from micro-premie to newborn size, just in case the boys are very early.  I am so thankful that they took care of this for me.  I haven't wanted to think about it but I also wanted it to be done with love and thought and they knew that. 

There are many other things I dealt with this week that were saddening but I was able to make it through because of all of you!  Every day this week I received an unexpected letter, card, email or gift in the mail to brighten my day and let me know that people are praying for us.  The support has been unbelievable and so thoughtful! The Lord is using you to sustain me: 

Isaiah 46:4 
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Yesterday, my sweet friend Elena took maternity photos of me with Maggie. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do them but I'm glad I did. I know they are usually done further along in pregnancy but I'm not sure how many more weeks I'm going to be given on my feet.  Although Maggie was not in the most cooperative mood, Elena is a photographical (is this a word?) genius who was able to make it look like Maggie didn't mind the inconvenience! :)  I will share some of them when they are ready. 

We have a doctors appointment with Dr. B on Wednesday and Dr. U on Friday.  I can't believe it's already been a month since our last sonogram.  I'm excited to see my babies on Wednesday. I hope they cooperate more than Maggie and allow us to get some good pictures.

Thank you for your prayers and friendship!
Love, Krystle

False alarm

Yesterday I went to the doctor for an emergency appointment because I was having more contractions than I was comfortable with and was worried about preterm labor.  Thankfully, it was a false alarm but I could tell that something wasn't right and I was in a lot of pain.  The test results came back and I have two infections causing the contractions.  Some of the pain is being caused by a bladder infection and some of it is due to a hernia I have developed from carrying twins. We also discovered this week that I'm more anemic than I was a month ago.  Fortunately, the infections can be knocked out with antibiotics, the contractions have stopped with bed rest (which I'm on for at least 48 more hours) and the anemia can be fixed with more iron supplements.  The hernia we will deal with later. Although it is painful, it does not add any risk to John and Sam so I am thankful for that! 

On my way to the doctor I was strangely calm. I listened to "How Great Thou Art" in my car over and over again and prayed.  I was scared that my boys might be coming very early and that both of their lives were at risk. I started praying that this would not be the case but then I asked myself, "What if this is His will?"  Before I could think about it my lips whispered, "I will not be moved." 

I was so relieved in that moment. I knew that I would be scared and sad if this was the Lord's will but I was also confident that my resolve in His goodness and plan would not be shaken.  This knowledge has made me stronger and more capable of facing what lies ahead.  The Lord knew I needed this experience to help calm my anxiety about delivery day, whenever that may be.  I am blown away again by his providence.

Psalm 62:5-8

⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge. 

I need your prayers to get through the next 2 months and 12 days, until December 3rd! Please continue to pray that I make it at least 73 more days and that all of these temporary health issues are resolved quickly!

Love, Krystle

Chocolate, Grace & Heli-poppers

I have been reading lately about what the Bible says about children.  There is some wonderful parenting advice and great imagery relating to children but I've found myself really meditating and thinking on what it means to have "childlike faith."  Having the faith of a child is mentioned in Matthew, Mark and Luke so it must be important!  I've heard it discussed many times over the years but I've never stopped to really think about what it means to have faith like a child. 

Luke 18: 15-17

¹⁵ One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering him.

¹⁶ Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. ¹⁷ I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”

Instead of Googling what the great teachers and preachers of our time say about "childlike faith," I decided to just pay special attention to Maggie and see how her faith was revealed to me.  Maggie is 20 months old today and boy, is she fun! She is her own person, very opinionated and talking up a storm. She is our petite, affectionate, chocolate-loving firecracker and we are so blessed to have her!  Maggie has recently become obsessed with chocolate.  So much that a few nights ago Christian and I listened to her on the monitor as she went to sleep talking about "blue chocolate," "yellow chocolate," and "red chocolate"... otherwise known as M&Ms. The next morning, she woke up and the first thing out of her mouth was "chocolate!" with a big smile on her face.  When she realized that Christian and I were looking down at her she said, "PLEASE!"  We are asked for chocolate a lot and every time, regardless of time of day or if we even have chocolate, she expects us to give it to her.  Is this "childlike faith" - having every confidence that whatever your request, the Lord can fulfill it? 

"Chocolate Smile!"

I have also witnessed how Maggie views grace.  When she gets put into time-out or made to apologize, she never doubts that everything will be okay afterwards.  She will be screaming in time-out and then after she says, "sorry Mama" and we hug, she runs off to play.  She doesn't beat herself up, feel guilty or hold a grudge once it's over.  Even when she's made a bad choice, suffered the consequences and been held accountable, she doesn't doubt my love once it's over.  It's in the past and she happily climbs back up in my lap to watch "Mickey Mouse."  As adults, we question whether or not we deserve forgiveness and the unconditional love of God after we screw up. We have a hard time accepting grace when we don't feel "good enough" to deserve it.  Maybe having "childlike faith" means that we don't doubt God's love and are content to climb back into his hands?

This morning Christian, Maggie and I met up with my mom, brother-in-law and nephews at a community "Safety Day".  There were helicopters, firetrucks, ambulances, SWAT trucks, etc.  The kids all had a great time climbing in and out of the vehicles.  Maggie was especially impressed with the "heli-poppers".  After we had been there a while we noticed that there was a helicopter that was circling and about to land in the parking lot.  My mom was holding Maggie and she moved closer so that Maggie could have a better look.  At some point the noise, wind or excitement became too much and Maggie was frightened.  My mom hurried back towards us saying that Maggie was crying for her daddy.  She lunged into Christian's arms frowning and started pointing towards the helicopter.  She was scared and what immediately made sense to her was to run to her daddy.  I'm not sure what she thought he could do about the helicopter but she knew her daddy could make it better and keep her safe.  Is this the lesson that Jesus was teaching? - When we don't know what is happening, when we are scared or sad, we should immediately run to our Father because he can make it better? 

Maybe "childlike faith" is all of these things or maybe it's something else altogether.  I plan on asking Jesus when I see Him. 

 

"Heli-poppers"

My appointment with Dr. U was upsetting on Friday.  Medically, everything is going well.  Both heart rates were good, all my blood work came back normal, I haven't had any big contractions and he didn't mention bed rest at all. These are all praises! However, when the nurse came in to give me my RhoGAM shot I fell apart.  I get RhoGAM every 12 weeks and she mentioned that this would more than likely be my last injection.  Hearing from the nurse that I would deliver within the next 12 weeks made it sound very soon and I got nervous.  Then, Dr. U came in. After running through all the medical stuff and doing an ultrasound he asked how I was doing emotionally.  I lost it again.  I had been feeling off for a few days and I guess it was just time to break down.  I told him how hearing "12 weeks" made me nervous and how when I think about walking into the OR on deliver day I still want to throw up.  I told him I don't know how we drive to hospital knowing what will happen and how guilty I still feel for Sam that everyone will (more than likely) be sad on the day he is born.  I cried that I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get out all the things I want to say to John and that I was scared that Sam might be in the NICU if born too early.  I told him how I was nervous that I would have postpartum depression and that I didn't want to have to tell Maggie that she won't be bringing home "two babies."  Dr. U is an amazing man and he sat and listened and handed me kleenex and was very sad himself. He shared the ways he is specifically praying for me and my family and took the time to reassure me on things even though he had a full waiting room and 5 full exam rooms.  We are so blessed to have such an amazing friend in our doctor.  It makes all the difference and this friendship is another blessing that I know the Lord has provided.   It has been difficult this week to see all the blessings, even though I know they are there.  I have a lot of worry and anxiety that I need to leave at the Lord's feet in the next 12 weeks.  Please help me do this with your prayers. 

Love, Krystle

 

P.S. Brady is home from the hospital and doing well!  Thank you for praying for his recovery!