At vs. With

I just read a story about a 26 year old woman who delivered twins and then smothered them.  I cannot describe how much this hurts my heart.  My tears do nothing to express the white hot anger and heartache I feel. She carried to term and delivered two healthy babies in her laundry room and then took their little lives. Lord, this is not fair! How do you allow this evil and this total disregard of beautiful innocent babies!?!? I do not understand and I am angry. I am angry that You would bestow these lavish and perfect gifts on an evil, sick person who did not realize their worth. I am angry that I wake up at night and hear John crying. I am angry that when Maggie and Sam are both asleep I feel like my work isn't done.  I am angry that I feel like I should be making more bottles, singing more lullabies and rocking another baby to sleep. 

As I was having a very hard moment tonight I remembered a passage from The Magician's Nephew by C. S. Lewis that I read in high school.  I found the passage I was thinking about summarized by an Episcopal priest named Michael Blewett:

"a boy named Digory finds himself face-to-face with Aslan, the great lion (and Christ-figure).  Digory’s mother is very ill and, ever since he had heard of the great Aslan, wondered if there was something Aslan could give him that would cure his mother and make things the way they used to be. Until that moment in the meeting, Digory had been looking down a Aslan’s great, clawed paws.  But when Digory lifted his eyes to look into Aslan’s face, he saw something that surprised him more than anything in his life:

“For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.”

I love this passage! It reminds me that I am angry and sad with God, not at Him.  The Lord's heart is breaking along with mine and so much more deeply. 

Honestly, I do not know why God allows bad things to happen, especially to babies. I do not have all answers and I sometimes doubt.  But that's okay.  Our God is big enough for our doubts and you better believe that if your heart is breaking, so is His. 

I read this tonight from I Will Carry You by Angie Smith:

I'm sure that you can think of areas in life where you feel let down by God, even things that have pushed you away from relationship with Him.  I won't say I don't understand the questioning because quite frankly it makes all the human sense in the world. What kind of God watches a mother hold her dying baby?  Would you allow me to enter into your heart a bit here?  I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however awful, is an opportunity to bring glory to Jesus. Have I wished it had been in a different way? Of course I do.  And you probably do too.  If I choose to, I can hold that against Him.  I can let it embitter me for the rest of my days, as I walk around finding holes in everything He has done. All of us will have times of crisis.  The most we can do is put our hands on the stone and accept what happens next with the grace that says circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God.

I can choose to be angry at God and push Him away or I can put my hope in His word and be angry with God and let Him hold me as I grieve. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119: 49-50

Love, Krystle

A Tree Grows in Austin

On February 6th my family received one of the most thoughtful and generous gifts we have ever received.  Our dear friends Brian Haley and Cyndi & Joe Krier had a tree planted on UT's campus in honor of John and our family.  The tree is a Shumard Red Oak and it was planted in the courtyard of Rainey Hall on the South Mall (or Six-pack to you Longhorns!) I took classes in Rainey Hall as an undergrad and remember sitting on a bench across from the courtyard and reading. It was supposed to be a rainy day but the weather was beautiful and the whole planting and dedication was perfect! Below I've posted some pictures and the sweet prayers that were offered by our wonderful friends.

Invocation by Brian Haley:

God of Heaven and earth, the work of your hands is made known in your bountiful creation and in the lives of those who live their lives in your grace. 

Today we especially remember the life of John Kay Alvarado and trust in your promise of everlasting life and love. 

Be present with us this day as we mark John's life and remember him through the planting of this tree.

And we celebrate and honor the lives of Krystle and Christian Alvarado and Maggie and Sam Alvarado. 

We give you thanks for their lives and ask that you bless them.

May this tree speak the power of your life in our midst, deeply rooted and ever growing in all creation, through Jesus Christ.   

Amen.

I was the first to help plant the tree.

Maggie wanted to help too!

ZZ and Aunt Lene' helping.

Sharing a laugh with Cyndi.

My mom and dad showing us their tree planting skills.

The whole gang!

Our family with John's tree. I love this picture!

Benediction by Cyndi Taylor Krier:

Creator of life and Sustainer of seed and soil, of tree and flower, You have created this world and all that is in it.  We come to You with this prayer of dedication and blessing. 

Join us in dedicating this Shumard Red Oak tree in memory of John Kay Alvarado, who You continue to hold in Your generous grace.  May this tree remind us of John whom we love, and who is held forever in Your never-ending love.

We also dedicate this tree in honor of John's Family –  Krystle, Christian, Maggie and Sam Alvarado. May they grow in Your grace as this tree grows.

In the Garden of Eden, You planted the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. 

May this oak tree be both:

May its leaves send forth the life-breath of oxygen. 

May its branches provide living spaces for the birds of the air that shall rest there.  

May You give wisdom to those who study in its shade. 

And, may this oak give to all who look upon it the gift of life-renewing beauty. 

Help this tree dig deep roots and grow wide branches to bear witness to Your  abundant love and grace. We ask for Your blessing upon this tree and upon all who gather here today and in the future.

Amen.

I took a leaf from the tree and I'm going to put it in John's baby book.  Out of all the ways we have honored John, I like this the best.  I love that it is something living and growing. I love that it reminds me of one of my favorite verses (Jer. 17: 7-8) that I found peace in while I was pregnant:

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord

    and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

They are like trees planted along a riverbank,

    with roots that reach deep into the water.

Such trees are not bothered by the heat

    or worried by long months of drought.

Their leaves stay green,

    and they never stop producing fruit.”

I love that it is a special place where many people will see and enjoy it. I look forward to going to visit the tree in a few weeks when it is sprouting new leaves. I plan on taking pictures of Maggie and Sam in front of it as they grow and maybe one day one of them will study under it while they are at UT.  Thank you Brian, Cyndi and Joe for blessing my family in this way!

I wish each of you could meet Sam.  He is such a smiley little thing and growing bigger everyday. He loves to be held, especially by his Mama, and it does my heart so much good. When I'm missing John I hold Sam and tell him about it.  He looks at me and smiles and I feel the ache dissipate.  I feel like he's the only person in the world who understands how much I miss John.

Thank you for your prayers for my family. 

Love, Krystle  

Two months

Out of the blue last night Maggie asked me where Baby John was? I reminded her that Baby John was in Heaven and she added, "With Jesus!" I told her she was right and gave her a kiss.  She came back over to me and said, "Maggie see Baby John." I told her we could look at pictures of him and I took her to my office to show her the framed pictures I have of him.  She pointed out Sam and John and kissed them both. Then she looked at me and said, "Maggie hold Baby John."  I've had similar conversations with her four times over the past two months but for some reason last night I couldn't be happy as I explained to her why we couldn't hold Baby John.  My heart broke and I sobbed. She continued to tell me, "Baby John at Maggie's house! Maggie hold Baby John!" She said it over and over and got louder and more upset.  I just stared at her with tears streaming down my face and thought that's exactly what my heart is crying out to the Lord, "Baby John at Krystle's house! Krystle hold Baby John!"  Thankfully, Christian walked in the door a minute later and Maggie forgot about demanding to see Baby John and ran up to her Daddy for a hug. 

Since that moment last night, John has been at the front of my mind.  Last night after I fed Sam at 2am, I sat up thinking about John.  I wondered if he will still be a baby when I get to Heaven or if he is growing alongside Sam? If he's still a baby, who is taking care of him? I pictured my Granny sitting and rocking him in her lap. One of her most favorite things was to sit and rock a baby and sing. That made me smile. Then I thought about how the Bible promises that we will be healed and restored in Heaven so John must look different than he did when I held him because his chest was so small his lungs didn't develop.  That lead me to thinking about how Revelations talks about singing in Heaven and how John would need lungs for that too. Then I wondered if he would be a child or a man when I see him in Paradise? I shouldn't be worried about this but the planner in me wants to know what I'm supposed to be looking for when I get there? An infant, a child or man? I was feeling very anxious and started to pray. Immediately, I heard that I was supposed to be looking for Jesus, now and when I get to Heaven. So I went to bed trusting that the Lord had restored John and being content that I will just have to wait to see how "old" he is in Heaven.

I know I am extra emotional today because it is the 29th. I wonder if the 29th will always be hard? Like everything else, I'm sure only time will tell. Today marks two months since I had my boys and today my Samuel is two months old.  I'm thankful that I have so much more joy than sorrow. In some ways it is much easier to live day to day with a child in Heaven than it is to live daily with a baby that has a terminal diagnosis. The not knowing, the holding out for hope and the fear of what is to come is draining and makes you heart sick.  When I am sad now, I am sad for myself, I am not sad for John because I know he is in Paradise and was so loved while he was here. The fear that your child will be in pain or that you aren't doing the right thing for your child is much worse in my experience. I feel like King David must have experienced the same thing in 2 Samuel 12: 13-23:

Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. Nevertheless, because you have shown utter contempt for the Lord by doing this, your child will die.”
After Nathan returned to his home, the Lord sent a deadly illness to the child of David and Uriah’s wife. David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused.
Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked.“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions,and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.”
David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”

This passage also reaffirms what I know to be true: 1) Babies go to Heaven  2) The appropriate response to grief is to worship the Lord and 3) I will see John again one day. Praise God!

Mr. Sam is healthy and growing like a weed! He had his two month well-check yesterday and he weighs 10 lbs 3oz and is 21 inches long.  That puts him in the 2% range for height and 8% for weight but when you adjust for his five weeks of prematurity he is 75% for weight and 40% for height.  We are blessed that he is healthy and thriving. Maggie had her 2 year well-check yesterday and she is doing awesome as well, 35% weight and 70% height and ahead of every milestone. They each got three shots and they handled it better than Mama did!

I want to share with you an wonderful praise and an amazing example of the power of prayer. On January 8th I woke up feeling rejuvenated and like myself for the first time in months. Sam had slept very well and had only woken twice to eat and then he went right back to sleep. It was the first time we had a "good" night where everyone slept.  At 8:56am I received a Facebook message from a friend asking how I slept last night.  This friend is someone from my hometown that I knew growing up; however, we do not talk on a daily basis she did not know that I hadn't been sleeping because of Sam's day-night reversal.   I replied to her that it was the best sleep I had gotten since the boys were born. She then shared with me that the night before she had been praying and found herself talking to John and asking him to send Sam some sleep angels so that I could get some rest and continue to heal from my c-section. How amazing is that!!?! God answered her prayer almost immediately! He reminded us of the power of prayer and that He is listening!  

Thank you for your continued prayers for my family. They work!
Love, Krystle

P.S. I wouldn't mind if a few of you prayed for Sam to start sleeping through the night! :)

John's service

I cannot believe it has already been 2 weeks since John's service and over 3 weeks since my boys were born. Time is moving so quickly.  Some days I'm glad and think I must be one day closer to feeling "normal" again and other days it scares me because I'm worried I might forget what John felt like in my arms or the way he smelled.  Yesterday was my birthday and I shared with a friend that I keep waiting for the morning that I wake up and it feels like the holidays and I feel like celebrating. She told me that it might not happen this year, and that's okay. She's right - I don't know why I needed someone else to tell me it was okay if I didn't feel like celebrating but I did. 

I meant to write about John's service last week but it never felt right. Right now, it's 3am and I'm snuggling Sam and it feels right. So as this angel sleeps on my chest I will remember my angel that sleeps in Heavenly peace. 

We were discharged from the hospital on Sunday, December 2nd and spent much of the following week getting ready for John's service.  Christian's mom, Margarita, stayed with us for the entire week and we were so blessed to have her here. She entertained Maggie, kept the house running, ran errands, made sure everyone was fed and helped with Sam so that I could get some rest.  She also just listened and loved on me and made a difficult time more bearable.  I am so fortunate to have not one, but two, wonderful and loving moms.

On Thursday, December 6th, my mom and dad went to the funeral home to be present for John's cremation.  I wanted someone to be there but I couldn't do it myself. My mom and dad held him and kissed him and told me afterward that he still looked beautiful and peaceful. Later that afternoon they brought John home.  It was hard but felt good to have him here.  My dad made the box John is in and it is beautiful.  It took him months to build and he made it out of a fallen tree he found out at their house. It is also a music box that plays, "How Great Thou Art" and has a silver plate on the front that says "John Kay Alvarado."  I will post pictures of it soon.  Having John in the box my dad built for him makes me feel like John is less alone, even though I know John is in Heaven and not in the box.  

They day of the funeral I woke up and remember thinking, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." I knew I wouldn't be "glad" but I reminded myself that the Lord was with us and had chosen this path for us so I should rejoice in that truth.  The morning was calm and spent getting the house ready for the friends and family that would be coming over after the service.  I began to feel nervous when I started getting dressed.  I remember having a slow motion feeling as I put on my makeup and looked in the mirror.  I thought, "Am I really getting dressed for my baby's funeral? How did this happen? How do you choose an eyeshadow color to wear to your child's funeral?"  I was on the verge of breaking down when Christian came in and said something to me. I don't remember what it was but it helped me keep it together through getting dressed. Christian and I went to the church early so that we could take John ourselves and make sure everything was set up. Christian drove as I sat with John on my lap.  We held hands and didn't speak. You hear people say, "There are no words...." but you don't know it until you find yourself in one of those moments. On that short drive to the church, with John on my lap, it was so obvious what we were heading to do that there were no words.  I didn't know what to pray for so I prayed for the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf and to be preparing my heart to hear what He wanted me to.

Christian carried John into the church and as I watched him I thought about how much growing up we had done together in the past 8 years. He looked handsome and sad and I fell in love with him again in that moment.

Family began showing up and it was so nice to see everyone. As we waited for the funeral to start I had many special moments with loved ones that I will never forget.  Terry came and told us it was time to get started and he prayed over our family before we walked out. I felt shaky but Christian held my hand and led me to our seats.  After Terry welcomed everyone we sang the two songs we had selected, "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman and "How Great Thou Art." Despite my broken heart I worshiped! I poured out my sadness to the Lord and felt His presence. I remember singing, "And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare. And there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the earth" and thinking, "Yes, Lord!" I lifted my hand as we sang "When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, What joy shall fill my heart." I smiled and thought of how thankful I was for the knowledge that I would see my baby boy again. Terry read Psalm 139: 13-16 and spoke about how John was indeed "Wonderfully made" and how he was the Lord's child and that his purpose was carried out in the short time he was here.  He shared what he saw in the hospital as we loved John into and out of this world and spoke on how beautiful this experience was because of God's involvement in it. I wish I had recorded it because Terry's words were perfect and a salve to my injured heart.  He said many meaningful things but the thing that has stuck with me the most and I find myself repeating every day is, "Death did not take John, God did."  When I think of it like that it brings me peace and understanding. John is not gone, he is very much alive and spending time in the presence of the Lord waiting on us to be together again. Death did not take my precious boy, God did!


When Terry was finished Jenny sang, "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks.  She did an amazing job and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. As she sang I remember willing myself to let go of all the future plans I had made for John and Sam together - matching outfits, same little league teams, living room wrestling matches, bunk beds.  Then I thought about his first word I would never hear, birthday pictures I wouldn't take, skinned knees I wouldn't kiss and his little hands I would never hold again on Earth. I closed my eyes, gave it all to God, prayed, "Thy will be done" and felt comforted in that moment. At the end of the service we played "If We Never Meet Again This Side of Heaven" by Johnny Cash -  Christian's touch of course!

We spent the afternoon catching up with family and friends. I was so touched by all the people who came to celebrate John! I was joyful in the company of so many wonderful, loving people. Thank you to each of you who attended!

This past weekend in church our pastor preached on making sense of the senseless. It was a wonderful message and we read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7:

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

 I read over this scripture a few times this week and it made me wonder about what people have suffered so that they could be a comfort to me during this season of my life.  So many people have brought me comfort and compassion and I know you can only do that out of a heart that also knows suffering and distress. It is my prayer that each of you realize what a blessing you have been to my family through your compassion and comfort, which were brought about through your previous sufferings. I hope you can see and feel the way God is restoring you heart.  It is also my prayer that I use my troubled heart to pour love and comfort on those who need it. If there are those I can comfort through my experience, I want to. There is no better way for me to honor my John.

Love, Krystle