Out of the blue last night Maggie asked me where Baby John was? I reminded her that Baby John was in Heaven and she added, "With Jesus!" I told her she was right and gave her a kiss. She came back over to me and said, "Maggie see Baby John." I told her we could look at pictures of him and I took her to my office to show her the framed pictures I have of him. She pointed out Sam and John and kissed them both. Then she looked at me and said, "Maggie hold Baby John." I've had similar conversations with her four times over the past two months but for some reason last night I couldn't be happy as I explained to her why we couldn't hold Baby John. My heart broke and I sobbed. She continued to tell me, "Baby John at Maggie's house! Maggie hold Baby John!" She said it over and over and got louder and more upset. I just stared at her with tears streaming down my face and thought that's exactly what my heart is crying out to the Lord, "Baby John at Krystle's house! Krystle hold Baby John!" Thankfully, Christian walked in the door a minute later and Maggie forgot about demanding to see Baby John and ran up to her Daddy for a hug.
Since that moment last night, John has been at the front of my mind. Last night after I fed Sam at 2am, I sat up thinking about John. I wondered if he will still be a baby when I get to Heaven or if he is growing alongside Sam? If he's still a baby, who is taking care of him? I pictured my Granny sitting and rocking him in her lap. One of her most favorite things was to sit and rock a baby and sing. That made me smile. Then I thought about how the Bible promises that we will be healed and restored in Heaven so John must look different than he did when I held him because his chest was so small his lungs didn't develop. That lead me to thinking about how Revelations talks about singing in Heaven and how John would need lungs for that too. Then I wondered if he would be a child or a man when I see him in Paradise? I shouldn't be worried about this but the planner in me wants to know what I'm supposed to be looking for when I get there? An infant, a child or man? I was feeling very anxious and started to pray. Immediately, I heard that I was supposed to be looking for Jesus, now and when I get to Heaven. So I went to bed trusting that the Lord had restored John and being content that I will just have to wait to see how "old" he is in Heaven.
I know I am extra emotional today because it is the 29th. I wonder if the 29th will always be hard? Like everything else, I'm sure only time will tell. Today marks two months since I had my boys and today my Samuel is two months old. I'm thankful that I have so much more joy than sorrow. In some ways it is much easier to live day to day with a child in Heaven than it is to live daily with a baby that has a terminal diagnosis. The not knowing, the holding out for hope and the fear of what is to come is draining and makes you heart sick. When I am sad now, I am sad for myself, I am not sad for John because I know he is in Paradise and was so loved while he was here. The fear that your child will be in pain or that you aren't doing the right thing for your child is much worse in my experience. I feel like King David must have experienced the same thing in 2 Samuel 12: 13-23:
Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. Nevertheless, because you have shown utter contempt for the Lord by doing this, your child will die.”This passage also reaffirms what I know to be true: 1) Babies go to Heaven 2) The appropriate response to grief is to worship the Lord and 3) I will see John again one day. Praise God!
After Nathan returned to his home, the Lord sent a deadly illness to the child of David and Uriah’s wife. David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused.
Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked.“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions,and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.”
David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”
Mr. Sam is healthy and growing like a weed! He had his two month well-check yesterday and he weighs 10 lbs 3oz and is 21 inches long. That puts him in the 2% range for height and 8% for weight but when you adjust for his five weeks of prematurity he is 75% for weight and 40% for height. We are blessed that he is healthy and thriving. Maggie had her 2 year well-check yesterday and she is doing awesome as well, 35% weight and 70% height and ahead of every milestone. They each got three shots and they handled it better than Mama did!
I want to share with you an wonderful praise and an amazing example of the power of prayer. On January 8th I woke up feeling rejuvenated and like myself for the first time in months. Sam had slept very well and had only woken twice to eat and then he went right back to sleep. It was the first time we had a "good" night where everyone slept. At 8:56am I received a Facebook message from a friend asking how I slept last night. This friend is someone from my hometown that I knew growing up; however, we do not talk on a daily basis she did not know that I hadn't been sleeping because of Sam's day-night reversal. I replied to her that it was the best sleep I had gotten since the boys were born. She then shared with me that the night before she had been praying and found herself talking to John and asking him to send Sam some sleep angels so that I could get some rest and continue to heal from my c-section. How amazing is that!!?! God answered her prayer almost immediately! He reminded us of the power of prayer and that He is listening!
Thank you for your continued prayers for my family. They work!
Love, Krystle
P.S. I wouldn't mind if a few of you prayed for Sam to start sleeping through the night! :)
