At vs. With

I just read a story about a 26 year old woman who delivered twins and then smothered them.  I cannot describe how much this hurts my heart.  My tears do nothing to express the white hot anger and heartache I feel. She carried to term and delivered two healthy babies in her laundry room and then took their little lives. Lord, this is not fair! How do you allow this evil and this total disregard of beautiful innocent babies!?!? I do not understand and I am angry. I am angry that You would bestow these lavish and perfect gifts on an evil, sick person who did not realize their worth. I am angry that I wake up at night and hear John crying. I am angry that when Maggie and Sam are both asleep I feel like my work isn't done.  I am angry that I feel like I should be making more bottles, singing more lullabies and rocking another baby to sleep. 

As I was having a very hard moment tonight I remembered a passage from The Magician's Nephew by C. S. Lewis that I read in high school.  I found the passage I was thinking about summarized by an Episcopal priest named Michael Blewett:

"a boy named Digory finds himself face-to-face with Aslan, the great lion (and Christ-figure).  Digory’s mother is very ill and, ever since he had heard of the great Aslan, wondered if there was something Aslan could give him that would cure his mother and make things the way they used to be. Until that moment in the meeting, Digory had been looking down a Aslan’s great, clawed paws.  But when Digory lifted his eyes to look into Aslan’s face, he saw something that surprised him more than anything in his life:

“For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.”

I love this passage! It reminds me that I am angry and sad with God, not at Him.  The Lord's heart is breaking along with mine and so much more deeply. 

Honestly, I do not know why God allows bad things to happen, especially to babies. I do not have all answers and I sometimes doubt.  But that's okay.  Our God is big enough for our doubts and you better believe that if your heart is breaking, so is His. 

I read this tonight from I Will Carry You by Angie Smith:

I'm sure that you can think of areas in life where you feel let down by God, even things that have pushed you away from relationship with Him.  I won't say I don't understand the questioning because quite frankly it makes all the human sense in the world. What kind of God watches a mother hold her dying baby?  Would you allow me to enter into your heart a bit here?  I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however awful, is an opportunity to bring glory to Jesus. Have I wished it had been in a different way? Of course I do.  And you probably do too.  If I choose to, I can hold that against Him.  I can let it embitter me for the rest of my days, as I walk around finding holes in everything He has done. All of us will have times of crisis.  The most we can do is put our hands on the stone and accept what happens next with the grace that says circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God.

I can choose to be angry at God and push Him away or I can put my hope in His word and be angry with God and let Him hold me as I grieve. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119: 49-50

Love, Krystle