At vs. With

I just read a story about a 26 year old woman who delivered twins and then smothered them.  I cannot describe how much this hurts my heart.  My tears do nothing to express the white hot anger and heartache I feel. She carried to term and delivered two healthy babies in her laundry room and then took their little lives. Lord, this is not fair! How do you allow this evil and this total disregard of beautiful innocent babies!?!? I do not understand and I am angry. I am angry that You would bestow these lavish and perfect gifts on an evil, sick person who did not realize their worth. I am angry that I wake up at night and hear John crying. I am angry that when Maggie and Sam are both asleep I feel like my work isn't done.  I am angry that I feel like I should be making more bottles, singing more lullabies and rocking another baby to sleep. 

As I was having a very hard moment tonight I remembered a passage from The Magician's Nephew by C. S. Lewis that I read in high school.  I found the passage I was thinking about summarized by an Episcopal priest named Michael Blewett:

"a boy named Digory finds himself face-to-face with Aslan, the great lion (and Christ-figure).  Digory’s mother is very ill and, ever since he had heard of the great Aslan, wondered if there was something Aslan could give him that would cure his mother and make things the way they used to be. Until that moment in the meeting, Digory had been looking down a Aslan’s great, clawed paws.  But when Digory lifted his eyes to look into Aslan’s face, he saw something that surprised him more than anything in his life:

“For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.”

I love this passage! It reminds me that I am angry and sad with God, not at Him.  The Lord's heart is breaking along with mine and so much more deeply. 

Honestly, I do not know why God allows bad things to happen, especially to babies. I do not have all answers and I sometimes doubt.  But that's okay.  Our God is big enough for our doubts and you better believe that if your heart is breaking, so is His. 

I read this tonight from I Will Carry You by Angie Smith:

I'm sure that you can think of areas in life where you feel let down by God, even things that have pushed you away from relationship with Him.  I won't say I don't understand the questioning because quite frankly it makes all the human sense in the world. What kind of God watches a mother hold her dying baby?  Would you allow me to enter into your heart a bit here?  I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however awful, is an opportunity to bring glory to Jesus. Have I wished it had been in a different way? Of course I do.  And you probably do too.  If I choose to, I can hold that against Him.  I can let it embitter me for the rest of my days, as I walk around finding holes in everything He has done. All of us will have times of crisis.  The most we can do is put our hands on the stone and accept what happens next with the grace that says circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God.

I can choose to be angry at God and push Him away or I can put my hope in His word and be angry with God and let Him hold me as I grieve. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119: 49-50

Love, Krystle

A Tree Grows in Austin

On February 6th my family received one of the most thoughtful and generous gifts we have ever received.  Our dear friends Brian Haley and Cyndi & Joe Krier had a tree planted on UT's campus in honor of John and our family.  The tree is a Shumard Red Oak and it was planted in the courtyard of Rainey Hall on the South Mall (or Six-pack to you Longhorns!) I took classes in Rainey Hall as an undergrad and remember sitting on a bench across from the courtyard and reading. It was supposed to be a rainy day but the weather was beautiful and the whole planting and dedication was perfect! Below I've posted some pictures and the sweet prayers that were offered by our wonderful friends.

Invocation by Brian Haley:

God of Heaven and earth, the work of your hands is made known in your bountiful creation and in the lives of those who live their lives in your grace. 

Today we especially remember the life of John Kay Alvarado and trust in your promise of everlasting life and love. 

Be present with us this day as we mark John's life and remember him through the planting of this tree.

And we celebrate and honor the lives of Krystle and Christian Alvarado and Maggie and Sam Alvarado. 

We give you thanks for their lives and ask that you bless them.

May this tree speak the power of your life in our midst, deeply rooted and ever growing in all creation, through Jesus Christ.   

Amen.

I was the first to help plant the tree.

Maggie wanted to help too!

ZZ and Aunt Lene' helping.

Sharing a laugh with Cyndi.

My mom and dad showing us their tree planting skills.

The whole gang!

Our family with John's tree. I love this picture!

Benediction by Cyndi Taylor Krier:

Creator of life and Sustainer of seed and soil, of tree and flower, You have created this world and all that is in it.  We come to You with this prayer of dedication and blessing. 

Join us in dedicating this Shumard Red Oak tree in memory of John Kay Alvarado, who You continue to hold in Your generous grace.  May this tree remind us of John whom we love, and who is held forever in Your never-ending love.

We also dedicate this tree in honor of John's Family –  Krystle, Christian, Maggie and Sam Alvarado. May they grow in Your grace as this tree grows.

In the Garden of Eden, You planted the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. 

May this oak tree be both:

May its leaves send forth the life-breath of oxygen. 

May its branches provide living spaces for the birds of the air that shall rest there.  

May You give wisdom to those who study in its shade. 

And, may this oak give to all who look upon it the gift of life-renewing beauty. 

Help this tree dig deep roots and grow wide branches to bear witness to Your  abundant love and grace. We ask for Your blessing upon this tree and upon all who gather here today and in the future.

Amen.

I took a leaf from the tree and I'm going to put it in John's baby book.  Out of all the ways we have honored John, I like this the best.  I love that it is something living and growing. I love that it reminds me of one of my favorite verses (Jer. 17: 7-8) that I found peace in while I was pregnant:

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord

    and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

They are like trees planted along a riverbank,

    with roots that reach deep into the water.

Such trees are not bothered by the heat

    or worried by long months of drought.

Their leaves stay green,

    and they never stop producing fruit.”

I love that it is a special place where many people will see and enjoy it. I look forward to going to visit the tree in a few weeks when it is sprouting new leaves. I plan on taking pictures of Maggie and Sam in front of it as they grow and maybe one day one of them will study under it while they are at UT.  Thank you Brian, Cyndi and Joe for blessing my family in this way!

I wish each of you could meet Sam.  He is such a smiley little thing and growing bigger everyday. He loves to be held, especially by his Mama, and it does my heart so much good. When I'm missing John I hold Sam and tell him about it.  He looks at me and smiles and I feel the ache dissipate.  I feel like he's the only person in the world who understands how much I miss John.

Thank you for your prayers for my family. 

Love, Krystle