I was playing with Sam this morning and thinking of all the progress he has made in the last 5 months. He is healthy, happy, growing like crazy, starting solids, reaching for things, making all sorts of noises and growing teeth! He is so far from November 29th and I feel like I am not. I am not sure what I was expecting from myself but I know I haven't accomplished it yet. I have done everything I think I can do. I feel like Christian and I have successfully made the transition to having two little ones and we have Sam on a good schedule. Maggie has adjusted remarkably well to a little brother at home and physically I'm more fit than before I got pregnant. Spiritually I feel like I'm in a healthy place of reliance on God and resilience to my circumstances. I guess I just thought I'd emotionally be getting back to myself by now. I look like Krystle, I sound like Krystle, I act like Krystle but I don't feel like Krystle. I'm sure that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's the truth and I do not like it. I don't like it that things bother me that shouldn't. For example, Sam has started looking more and more like Christian.... a handsome boy looking like his handsome dad! A few weeks ago my wonderful, loving sister Lene' started calling Sam, "Christian's little twin!" There is no reason that should upset me but I had to ask her to stop. Every time I heard her reference Sam's twin it felt like someone was stabbing my heart. I hated having to ask her to stop and I hated more how her eyes welled up with tears when I mentioned it. She would never do anything to hurt me. I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't just let it go in one ear and out the other and take it for the light-hearted comment it was intended to be. Today I was driving and thinking about my conversation with Lene' and how little I feel like I've mended since November 29th. My head was telling me that John is with the Lord and I should be comforted in the fact that I will see him again but I was feeling disappointed that my heart didn't feel comforted by this truth. Right then I passed a sign that said, "Faith makes it possible, not easy." It
was the exact reminder I needed at the exact moment I needed it. I love
it when God comforts me this way...out of the blue and using something as ordinary as a sign. Although I feel like November 29th was so long ago, it wasn't. It was exactly 5 months ago and it is "not easy." I need to remember this and be easier on myself. I guess with my competitive nature and Type A personality I expected to be a gold star griever and be back to myself in no time! :) I need to stop letting my perceived lack of emotional progress get in the way of my grieving process, whatever that looks like. No one around me expects me to be exactly like I was before John went to Heaven, except me. Most importantly, the Lord doesn't expect me to be working towards being my old self. He gave me John and this heartache for a wonderful reason and that is what I need to focus on.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." - Romans 8:28
"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 16-18
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1: 2-4
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2
Thank you for your prayers for my family!
Love, Krystle
P.S. This is not a new song but I have been listening to it a lot lately. I feel like it perfectly describes how you can be so consumed with your emotions/grief/depression and then the next minute realize what is most important and be thankful for your life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=al2DFQEZl4M
As I neared the end of your post, I was already thinking of a reply, but also waiting to see what I thought I might... YOU telling YOURSELF what I wanted to say. I know I don't know you very well personally, but I know you a bit and what I've seen are the things say about yourself here (as well as the thing I wanted to tell you)... "I need to remember this and be easier on myself. I guess with my competitive nature and Type A personality I expected to be a gold star griever and be back to myself in no time." Krystle, you will NEVER be the same as you were before John and Sam. You were never the same once your sweet Maggie came into your life, just as when you married Christian. Sam has changed you. John has changed you. Forever. That little angel has touched a LOT of lives already... it's not wonder his Momma is adjusting most since his arrival here on earth, and no wonder you seem to be having a tremendously hard time since his physical departure. Indeed, go easy on yourself, Krystle. Whatever you are NOW, is a beautiful and glorious thing. Remember that you, too, have been wonderfully made, from before anyone could see you, and throughout your days.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much LoAna! Your words are so encouraging and I appreciate your friendship!
Delete