Happy Birthday Boys!

Sam will be one on Friday, November 29th! We are having his birthday party tomorrow while all of our family is together for Thanksgiving.  A year has passed and I am filled with such gratitude for Sam, his health and every giggle and mess he adds to our family. His face is always dirty but also has a smile on it.  He loves to give kisses and headbutt at the same time.  He is kindhearted and rowdy.  He is all boy, all the time and I can't help but smile when he tackles his sister or climbs on top of something.  He balances out all the glitter and drama of Maggie and I can't imagine our family without him. 

I wish I could be wholly focused on the blessing of Sam this week but the truth is my heart is aching.  I miss John more intensely than I have in a while.  Just a few weeks ago I was positive that Sam's birthday party would be a happy occasion and now I'm worried that I won't be able to make it through "Happy Birthday."  It makes me feel guilty that I do not know the perfect way of celebrating Sam while honoring John.  Sam deserves a cheerful mama on his birthday and I pray I can be that for him. 

I've been on the verge of tears for four days now. It started with an ordinary incident at Target.  I was checking out and had obvious baby things in my shopping cart.  The older lady behind me asked, "How many children do you have?"  Even after a year, I still don't know what to say.  Sometimes I say, "Two, a son and a daughter." And then I feel guilty for denying John. Sometimes I say, "I have two living children and an angel." Then, I have to explain all about John and wind up making some unsuspecting stranger cry. Sometimes I say, "Three." But then they ask follow up questions and I feel like a liar for making them think I have three babies at home.  I don't know the right thing to say and it bothers me.  My heart tells me "three" is the right answer but sometimes (work event, standing in line somewhere, talking to the plumber) it doesn't feel appropriate. If you have lost a child I'd love to know your perspective and how you answer this question.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about John's ashes.  I still have them in the beautiful box my dad built.  Sometimes it bothers me that I haven't thought of the perfect thing to do with them but nothing feels right. I've thought about scattering them somewhere beautiful, having them turned into a diamond or piece of jewelry and also considered using them in a tattoo! I didn't even know you could put ashes into a tattoo until a friend told me.  I doubt I would ever do that but there is something raw and beautiful and symbolic about it. For the time being, I'll keep John's ashes close to me in my office where they have been.

Yesterday at Bible study I was sharing with Terry (our pastor friend who spoke at John's funeral) the guilt and sadness I have been feeling. I told him sometimes I feel panicked that something horrible is about to happen. We are studying Proverbs and right in front of us was Proverbs 3: 24-26:

You can go to bed without fear;
    you will lie down and sleep soundly.

You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
    or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,

for the Lord is your security.

I felt refreshed after unpacking this scripture with Terry.  
Later I read Proverbs 17:22:

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
   but a broken spirit saps a person's strength.

You cannot argue with that! My heavy heart is justified but it is also sapping my strength. I'm praying today that the Lord takes captive my thoughts, makes them obedient to Him and lifts my spirit to one of thanksgiving and celebration. Please join me in this prayer. 

I hope you have a very blessed and Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you for your prayers!

Love, Krystle