John & Sam's birth story

Friends and Family,
Every day I wake up with the intention of writing about my boys' birth and John's memorial service. Some days it feels too painful to write, some days I'm at a loss for words and other days I'm just too tired.   I don't know if it is the grief, lack of sleep or baby blues but I am not as productive as I used to be! This morning I feel thankful and semi-well rested so here I am. 

On November 28th I started to have sporadic contractions and other labor signs. I called my doctor and he recommended coming in at 11am. I had a feeling that this time was different but I was not scared.  My mom rode with me and we sat quietly praying and listening to praise music.  I was sent to Labor & Delivery to be observed.  They saw that I was having contractions and so we waited to see Dr. U.  He came in around 3pm and said I was dilating but it could still be another day or two.  He said that since I was there, there was no used to waiting to deliver because he felt that it was imminent and he was worried about John's head size growing much larger.  After prayer I felt that we should move forward and I asked if we could wait until the morning.  I wanted to wait so that all our family had time to get to the hospital and so that I would have one last night with my boys.  My csection was scheduled for 7am the next morning.  I was checked into the hospital and our birth/care plan was put into action.  St. David's did a phenomenal job of addressing each aspect of our birth plan.  They put me in a large L&D suite across from a nurses station and away from other delivering moms.  My nurses were amazing and treated me with love and tenderness. Everyone did their best to accommodate me and my family and I will forever be grateful to them. 

Over the next few hours family trickled in from across Texas to love on us and await Sam and John's arrival.  I felt relieved that we had decided to stay and schedule the csection because at 1am my water broke - these boys were coming on November 29th all along! God knows what a planner I am and He saved us from the panicked, middle of the night rush to the hospital. My contractions got progressively worse and closer together throughout the night.  I was offered pain medication but I wanted to feel the entire experience and I didn't want to be sleepy or groggy when I met my boys for the first time.  Our wonderful pastors, Terry and Ryan, prayed over us before I was wheeled to the OR. I felt a Heavenly reassurance. I remember hugging and kissing my family as I went into the delivery room and Christian telling me that he loved me and he'd be in the OR soon. I remember feeling thankful that I didn't break down or have to be carried into the OR....I went willingly and felt peace.   Two nurses had me stand in front of a fetal monitor so they could listen to the boys to make sure they weren't under any stress before we started.  They tracked Sam right away. He was being still.  It took them almost 10 minutes to monitor John. He kept moving and kicking so they had a hard time monitoring him.  I started crying and thinking that he knew what was coming and he was just trying to buy himself a little more time in my belly with his brother. The nurses grabbed my hands and spoke kind words.  When I looked around the room I noticed there were at least 20 people buzzing around.  One of Dr. U's nurses that I've known for years came up to me and hugged me. She was crying too and she held onto me as they started putting the spinal in my back.  I started to shake and I repeated over and over again, "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

Dr. U came in and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.  A few minutes later I saw Christian and my mom enter. It felt so good to have Christian at my side and holding my hand.  He calmed me down and helped me breathe through the waves of nausea. Dr. U said it was time to get started.  Only 3 or 4 minutes later they told us to get ready to meet John.  Dr. U held him up over the curtain and John cried! Our sweet baby boy was alive and breathing and crying! I said, "Praise God!" and they took him to wipe him down and clear his throat and nose.  One minute later, Dr. U said, "Here is Sam!" and held him over the curtain.  I remember thinking, "God is good!" and "He has really long legs!" Before I knew it, Christian was holding John and bringing him over to me.  I rubbed my face on his and kissed his cheek. We told him we loved him and that we were so happy to meet him.  He was so sweet and chubby and he smelled like Heaven. He was making noises so he must be able to breathe! I looked to Dr. B (who was there to assess if we should change our care plan in case John came out healthier than expected) and he smiled at me and said we had made all the right decisions and that John might have 30 minutes to a few hours to live. I closed my eyes and told myself that this cup of suffering would not pass but it was hard to believe it with that sweet angel on my chest. Christian came back over and was holding Sam.  I asked how Sam was doing and everyone said, "Great!" and "Better than expected!" Praise God!  I nuzzled Sam and looked at John and smiled. My boys were here and they were beautiful and my heart overflowed. 

I took a minute to look around the OR and everyone was smiling at us.  Christian, my mom, Lene' (how did she get in here!!?!), both doctors and all my nurses were smiling and oohing and ahhing over my boys and I was a proud mama! Not long after that we all went back to my room as a family, as we had prayed for. Our family that was there came in and got to meet Sam and John.  I thought that it would be hard to let others hold John but it wasn't.  I wanted to show him off and watch him get loved on by all his family. I remember sitting and smiling as I watched Sam and John get passed from person to person. I loved hearing how one had my mouth and one had my eyes and how much dark hair each of them had.  When John's heart rate started to slow he was back in my arms.  I don't remember if everyone left the room or if I just didn't notice people any longer but for the remaining moments I held John and told him not to be afraid. I told him that I was so proud of him and so proud to be his mama. I told him that he could leave us and go to Jesus now if it was his time and I promised him that I would see him again soon.  I rubbed his face and nose and sang him "This Little Light of Mine." I held his little hands and kissed his fingers. I remember Christian sitting beside me the whole time and holding Sam.  Our family surrounded my bed and Terry lead us in prayer. I noticed that John was going longer and longer in between breaths and I started praying.  At 9:50am, the neonatologist came in and checked John's pulse.  He told me he was very sorry but that John was no longer with us. I looked down and in my arms was a beautiful sleeping baby boy who only ever knew love. He was in Paradise and being welcomed by angels and Christ himself, but my heart broke. 

After John passed I unwrapped him and looked at every inch of his little body.   He was perfect from his dark wavy hair down to his itty bitty toenails. He he had his first bath with Sam and the nurses brought them to my bedside so that I could watch as they were cleaned.  While the boys were laying next to each other, Sam nestled close to John and put his tiny arm around him. It was the cutest thing! 

A little while later, Mr. Hanson from the funeral home came to pick up John.  Everyone left the room and gave me and Christian time alone with John and Sam to say good bye.  I don't remember what I said but I know that when it was time for me to hand over John, I could not.  I couldn't let him go.  His daddy had to pick him up out of my arms and give him to Mr. Hanson. I couldn't watch them wrap him up and I couldn't watch them walk out the door. Tears filled my eyes as I was consumed with the worst feeling imaginable. I sobbed and shook until the pain in my csection incision begged me to stop and I realized that Maggie and Sam would suffer if I didn't heal quickly.  I don't really remember anything after that on November 29th. It was a beautiful, awesome and painful day. I can see many blessings that were poured on me throughout the labor and delivery of my sons. Thank you for your part in that.  Even though this bitter cup did not pass, I can celebrate the fact that God was glorified in John's short life.  

John's memorial service was on December 8th and it was beautiful and joyful. I will write about it in a few days. 

Below are a few photos from November 29th. These were taken by Bill Peary with Peary Photography.  Bill did an amazing job capturing our love, excitement and loss. We were honored that he was there and I'm so thankful I'll always have these pictures. 

Happy mama with her boys!

Proud mama and daddy!

Holding hands

Family pouring love on us

Prayers for our angel boy

Brotherly love

John and Sam

John Kay Alvarado, November 29th, 4lbs 13 oz, 14.5 inches

Thank you for your prayers.
Love, Krystle