I meant to write about John's service last week but it never felt right. Right now, it's 3am and I'm snuggling Sam and it feels right. So as this angel sleeps on my chest I will remember my angel that sleeps in Heavenly peace.
We were discharged from the hospital on Sunday, December 2nd and spent much of the following week getting ready for John's service. Christian's mom, Margarita, stayed with us for the entire week and we were so blessed to have her here. She entertained Maggie, kept the house running, ran errands, made sure everyone was fed and helped with Sam so that I could get some rest. She also just listened and loved on me and made a difficult time more bearable. I am so fortunate to have not one, but two, wonderful and loving moms.
On Thursday, December 6th, my mom and dad went to the funeral home to be present for John's cremation. I wanted someone to be there but I couldn't do it myself. My mom and dad held him and kissed him and told me afterward that he still looked beautiful and peaceful. Later that afternoon they brought John home. It was hard but felt good to have him here. My dad made the box John is in and it is beautiful. It took him months to build and he made it out of a fallen tree he found out at their house. It is also a music box that plays, "How Great Thou Art" and has a silver plate on the front that says "John Kay Alvarado." I will post pictures of it soon. Having John in the box my dad built for him makes me feel like John is less alone, even though I know John is in Heaven and not in the box.
They day of the funeral I woke up and remember thinking, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." I knew I wouldn't be "glad" but I reminded myself that the Lord was with us and had chosen this path for us so I should rejoice in that truth. The morning was calm and spent getting the house ready for the friends and family that would be coming over after the service. I began to feel nervous when I started getting dressed. I remember having a slow motion feeling as I put on my makeup and looked in the mirror. I thought, "Am I really getting dressed for my baby's funeral? How did this happen? How do you choose an eyeshadow color to wear to your child's funeral?" I was on the verge of breaking down when Christian came in and said something to me. I don't remember what it was but it helped me keep it together through getting dressed. Christian and I went to the church early so that we could take John ourselves and make sure everything was set up. Christian drove as I sat with John on my lap. We held hands and didn't speak. You hear people say, "There are no words...." but you don't know it until you find yourself in one of those moments. On that short drive to the church, with John on my lap, it was so obvious what we were heading to do that there were no words. I didn't know what to pray for so I prayed for the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf and to be preparing my heart to hear what He wanted me to.
Christian carried John into the church and as I watched him I thought about how much growing up we had done together in the past 8 years. He looked handsome and sad and I fell in love with him again in that moment.
Family began showing up and it was so nice to see everyone. As we waited for the funeral to start I had many special moments with loved ones that I will never forget. Terry came and told us it was time to get started and he prayed over our family before we walked out. I felt shaky but Christian held my hand and led me to our seats. After Terry welcomed everyone we sang the two songs we had selected, "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman and "How Great Thou Art." Despite my broken heart I worshiped! I poured out my sadness to the Lord and felt His presence. I remember singing, "And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare. And there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the earth" and thinking, "Yes, Lord!" I lifted my hand as we sang "When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, What joy shall fill my heart." I smiled and thought of how thankful I was for the knowledge that I would see my baby boy again. Terry read Psalm 139: 13-16 and spoke about how John was indeed "Wonderfully made" and how he was the Lord's child and that his purpose was carried out in the short time he was here. He shared what he saw in the hospital as we loved John into and out of this world and spoke on how beautiful this experience was because of God's involvement in it. I wish I had recorded it because Terry's words were perfect and a salve to my injured heart. He said many meaningful things but the thing that has stuck with me the most and I find myself repeating every day is, "Death did not take John, God did." When I think of it like that it brings me peace and understanding. John is not gone, he is very much alive and spending time in the presence of the Lord waiting on us to be together again. Death did not take my precious boy, God did!
When Terry was finished Jenny sang, "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks. She did an amazing job and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. As she sang I remember willing myself to let go of all the future plans I had made for John and Sam together - matching outfits, same little league teams, living room wrestling matches, bunk beds. Then I thought about his first word I would never hear, birthday pictures I wouldn't take, skinned knees I wouldn't kiss and his little hands I would never hold again on Earth. I closed my eyes, gave it all to God, prayed, "Thy will be done" and felt comforted in that moment. At the end of the service we played "If We Never Meet Again This Side of Heaven" by Johnny Cash - Christian's touch of course!
We spent the afternoon catching up with family and friends. I was so touched by all the people who came to celebrate John! I was joyful in the company of so many wonderful, loving people. Thank you to each of you who attended!
This past weekend in church our pastor preached on making sense of the senseless. It was a wonderful message and we read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7:
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.I read over this scripture a few times this week and it made me wonder about what people have suffered so that they could be a comfort to me during this season of my life. So many people have brought me comfort and compassion and I know you can only do that out of a heart that also knows suffering and distress. It is my prayer that each of you realize what a blessing you have been to my family through your compassion and comfort, which were brought about through your previous sufferings. I hope you can see and feel the way God is restoring you heart. It is also my prayer that I use my troubled heart to pour love and comfort on those who need it. If there are those I can comfort through my experience, I want to. There is no better way for me to honor my John.
Love, Krystle
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