In a Funk

I didn't sleep last night. I was awake thinking about John. I think it's because I had a lot of hard moments yesterday.  Things that I'm usually able to give over to God were not as easy for some reason.

Christian, Maggie and I went to church yesterday morning.  While we were walking into the children's ministry someone asked about my pregnancy, since I'm obviously showing.  Some days these conversations are hard and others they are not.  Eventually the person ends up asking me if I know if I'm having a boy or a girl.  I reply with "boys" because I am not going to deny John's existence. I am having twin boys regardless of how many babies I bring home from the hospital. Then, the conversation always goes one of two ways:

1) About 80% of the time they start telling me how I'm never going to get any sleep and how hard it's going to be to have twin boys.  I stand there smiling but most of the time I want to yell, "You know what's going to be harder than having twin boys?!? Not having twin boys!" I don't know why people are so eager to tell you how miserable they think you are going to be.  The parents I've met of multiples are encouraging and will tell you what a blessing their children are. During these conversations I think of what the representative for Hand to Hold told me: "Most people are not trying to be devastating. Most people have good intentions no matter how unfortunate their word choice."  I agree but it's really hard to take when a lady I don't know, who doesn't have twins says, "You are having twin boys? Better you than me!" Last week I finally shot back, "I agree!" My prayer is that for now on I will always be uplifting to the pregnant women I meet.  Instead of telling them how horrible it is to be pregnant, go through labor, heal from a c-section, have stretchmarks, lose sleep, etc....why don't we tell them how blessed they are to be carrying God's creation and what a miracle life is?

2) About 20%  of they time they start telling me how much fun it is going to be to watch brothers grow up together.  They start talking about Sam and John being best friends and mention how they will get into trouble together and be on the same t-ball team. I loved talking to these people before John's diagnosis because they are so uplifting and paint such a beautiful picture of family. I still appreciate the sentiment but it makes me so sad. It reminds me of all the conversations Christian and I have had about what our boys were going to be like and our plans for our family. I hold on to the promise of God's plans for our future instead: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:11-13, NIV).

I had a hard time during church as well. We sang "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder Band.  I love this song but yesterday it tore me apart. I'm still trying to figure out why.

On a medical note, my appointment with Dr. U went well on Friday.    Thank you for your prayers.  Lene' went with me and we got to hear both heartbeats. Dr. U said everything looks good!  No swelling, good weight gain and perfect blood pressure. I'm measuring 30 weeks at 22 weeks but he said this is normal for twins.  No bed rest yet but he did recommend staying off my feet as much as possible, which I'm working on.

We have a meeting on Thursday at 2pm with the NICU Director, Labor & Delivery Director,  head Neonatologist, and Hospital Chaplain at St. David's. Lene' gave the NICU Director our birth/care plan last week and she thinks it is all possible, which is a relief and great news! We will review it all on Thursday so that everyone is on the same page.  We have made requests for things that they usually don't allow so we need special permission. For example,  we want more than one person in the OR as the boys are being delivered, we want a private recovery room (instead of going to the 8 bed recovery bay), we want a nurse with us to immediately administer meds to John if he starts to struggle or be in pain, and we want a family member to be able to go with Sam to the NICU and ask questions on our behalf if needed. I'm sure this meeting will be difficult but I will feel better having my questions answered, putting faces with names and knowing that all the necessary paperwork is completed. 

I'm still in a funk today. Some days are just harder than others. I'm thankful that Christian is working from home and has been around to make me smile.  I am also grateful for your prayers!

Love, Krystle 

P.S. My sister Isabel sent me the below video. It's beautiful but will probably make you cry.