The "Hard Moments"

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and offered kind words, loving support and sweet prayers. While my heart is breaking my spirit is being renewed daily by the words and prayers of those around me.  The love we are experiencing is a reminder of God's mercy and providence.

As you can imagine I go through a lot of ups and downs throughout the day.  We've been calling the downs "hard moments".  Some days, I have a lot of hard moments and others I only have two or three.  There is something unique in this grief - it does not get better as time goes on because the dreaded gets closer, not further away.  Every morning when I wake up I think about how I have one less day with John.  When I think of delivery day it takes my breath away.  This eventually leads me to thinking about arriving at the hospital and having to later walk into the OR.   I calm down by meditating on "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever" and reminding myself that today is one less day every parent has with their child.  I'm blessed to know of John's diagnosis and to have this special time remembering and treasuring every little kick and nudge.

Besides my daily morning "hard moment" there were a few other yesterday that were painful but your prayers helped me through. I am a 'to-do' list maker.  I like to have organized thoughts and cross things off my list as they are accomplished. Lately, my 'to-do' list catches me off guard and sets off crying.  It is surreal when I look down at it and #3 says "Finish John's Birth/Care Plan" and #7 says "Contact funeral home director".  I have so many family members and friends who have offered to help however they can.  I know that numerous people would happily take care of #3 and #7 for me. I don't want that.  As a mom these are things that I have, and want, to do myself. I just can't believe I'm doing them. 

I got a voicemail yesterday from Buy Buy Baby telling us that our crib was in and ready to be delivered.  The girl on the phone also told me that she needed my credit card information so that she could process our refund "for the other crib."  It was a 30 second voicemail, she was very sweet, but it hurt like hell. Please pray that when they come to deliver Sam's furniture this Saturday I am able to see the joy and blessing in it. I have not been looking forward to setting up a nursery for one, when I have everything for two.  I was very upset about this fact today until I came across the blog of an acquaintance. She is expecting a child with a fatal diagnosis and wrote so beautifully about how she isn't getting to prepare her baby's room on Earth but she knows that the Lord is preparing his room in Heaven.  How much more beautiful and loving will that nursery be!

Later yesterday afternoon I was at my sister's house.  Her boys and Maggie were having a "dance party" and running around like crazy.  I started thinking about how I'd never get to see John dance with Maggie and Sam.  I was about to cry when I thought about how if he lived, he wouldn't be able to dance on his misshapen, fragile legs. Right then I was reminded that his body will be restored in Heaven and he can dance with angels for eternity. I thought about how his only dances in this life are going to be while he's in my belly so I joined in the "dance party".  I'm sure it was quite a sight - 4 kids and a pregnant woman dancing around to Maroon 5 in the livingroom, but it felt right.  This "hard moment" was turned into a praise and a fun memory. I'm sure I was being uplifted in prayer at that exact moment by one of you.  Thank you.   

Christian is a firm believer in setting goals and meditating on achieving the goals. He is very much a  "Mind over Matter" guy.  We have a lot of goals but our biggest one right now is to do everything we can to make this pregnancy last at least 36 weeks. We've been telling John and Sam every day that they have to stay put until at least December 3rd. Please join us in praying that these boys don't come for another 109 days. 

Love, Krystle