I have been feeling guilty lately. I think it is the reason for the funk I was in on Monday. Last weekend I was feeling very tired and heartsick. During that time I found myself wishing that this season of my life was over already. After realizing that I had been praying for this all to be over, I was overwhelmed with guilt. How could I want this season to end when it is the only earthly life John will ever know? What kind of mom feels that way?!? I felt defeated and like a bad mom. Now, I never wanted my pregnancy to end, after all, we are all praying that these boys stay put until December 3rd! I just felt that I wanted this 'cup of suffering' to pass more quickly. Acknowledging this made me feel that I was doubting the Lord and then I felt guilty for that as well. The good thing about this guilt and disappointment is that it lead me back to His word. I found myself in Matthew yesterday:
Matthew 26: 36 Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” 37 He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. 38 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
Reading this anguish filled passage actually made me feel joyful. I felt comforted that Jesus had felt the same thing and in his exhaustion and sadness had prayed the same prayer. I no longer felt guilty and weak for my earlier prayers, I felt heard and soothed.
Something else occurred to me as well: it is a normal and God-given desire to want people to "keep watch" over you in your sadness. Even Jesus wanted his loved-ones around him while he was distressed. I am not a needy person but have been feeling very needy lately. This does not sit well with me. I like to do things for myself and (many times) by myself. This hasn't been possible on restricted activity. I need people around to help with Maggie and everyday activities. However, besides the physical activities, I've noticed I need and want people around emotionally. It is comforting and validating to have people "keep watch" and pray for you and the Lord has put this desire in our hearts. This blog, your emails, cards, texts and phone calls have helped and restored me more than you know. Thank you for being our watch keepers physically, spiritually and emotionally! If you are suffering in some way, I encourage you to please let someone know. We were not created to suffer alone!
This morning I was watching cartoons with Maggie and enjoying Sam and John moving around in my belly. I felt peaceful and all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of happiness came over me. I knew in that moment that John and Sam are both happy! As if to reaffirm the feeling, they both moved at the same time. I'm crying happy tears thinking about it now. People have been telling me that babies in the womb have "eternity" in their hearts as well but there is scriptural evidence for their joy in Luke 1:
39 A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town 40 where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. 41 At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child leaped within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.
42 Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. 43 Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? 44 When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. 45 You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”
Mary had just found out she was pregnant with Jesus a few days before she went to see Elizabeth. Elizabeth was 6 months pregnant. Elizabeth's child, John, knew he was in the presence of the Lord even 3-4 months before his birth and he was joyous! The other beautiful thing is that Mary was only a few weeks pregnant and scripture points out that the child within her was already the Lord. From the time we are conceived we are already spirit-filled beings with a desire to know God.
Our meeting with the hospital yesterday went okay. Everyone was very nice but many of our requests are still up in the air or awaiting approval. I'm trying to decide how hard I want to push on some aspects of our care plan. I'm so thankful for Christian and Lene' and the fact that they were both in the meeting. Christian is so logical and clear-headed when it comes to decisions and sweet Lene' is a fierce advocate on our behalf. The hospital told us something might not be possible and Lene' has already found a way around them. The rule follower in me thinks, "I know rules are put in place for the benefit of everyone" but the mom in me thinks, "I know what is best for my babies and I don't care about your rules!" I'm not sure how much of it I should fight and how much of it I should leave in God's hands? So much of it depends on the timing of their delivery and how healthy Sam is at that point. There is no way for any of us to know the answers to these questions so we will continue to rely on the only One who does know.
Prayer Requests: Many of you know the amazing story of our nephew Brady. If not, you can read some of his story here. Brady has been at Texas Children's since Tuesday. He is on the mend but please be praying for a speedy and full recovery for this wonderful little boy!
We have an appointment with the Perinatologist, Dr. B on Tuesday. It will be the first time since we received John's diagnosis that we will have an ultrasound and see Dr. B. I'm nervous but also excited to see my boys! Please be praying that the appointment goes well and Dr. B doesn't see any indication of polyhydramnios.
Love, Krystle
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