Dry Run

This past week has been full! I think I experienced every emotion imaginable over the past 6 days. 

To start off with, I was bummed Monday and Tuesday because I was missing a big work event in Houston on Tuesday evening.  Everyone insisted that I stay in Austin, and I agreed, but my work is very important to me and I hate to feel like a slacker or that I'm letting anyone down.  My attendance wasn't needed because my business partner Leslie is such a rock star that she could handle it with one hand tied behind her back but I was still upset.  Well, leave it to God to put things into perspective the moment you start feeling sorry for yourself because Tuesday afternoon around 2pm I started having contractions.  Having a contraction here and there is no new thing but these were coming more frequently and lasting longer.  I wasn't nervous until I 'heard' God or the Holy Spirit tell me "You need to pack your bag for the hospital." There wasn't an audible voice but it delivered a distinct and clear message.  I'm not sure if men experience this but you know the feeling when you are sitting at work and something tells you, "You need to call your mom!" and you do and she's been crying?.......or something wakes you in the middle of the night and tells you, "Go check on Maggie!" and sure enough she has a fever?  I think most people call it Women's Intuition but I believe it's the Holy Spirit.  What I heard on Tuesday I can most closely describe as Women's Intuition mixed with a strong spiritual conviction at the same time. I was scared and stressed out because I didn't have everything I needed yet for my hospital bag and it is not December 3rd! Well, fast forward a few hours and my contractions were not going away, the medicine I have for contractions wasn't working and the doctor called and told me to go ahead and check-in at Labor & Delivery at our hospital.  I hastily threw things into my bag and went out the door.  Christian met me there and we were being evaluated a short time later.  The good news is that the contractions stopped with the medicine I had already been taking, so it was just another false alarm.  The worrisome part was that the hospital was not prepared for us as we had been assured they would be.  We met with different officials of the hospital over a month ago to go over our birth/care plan for John and Sam and to make sure they had all the forms and correct authorizations needed to carry out our wishes. We were told repeatedly that when we arrived at the hospital all of this information would be in our record and things would run smoothly.  This was not the case.  It was chaotic.  After a few upsetting comments from our nurse, we had to tell her about John's diagnosis and alert her to the fact that we have a birth plan that we've already discussed with the hospital.  It was not our nurses fault. Yes, she said some insensitive things but under normal circumstances an expectant mom might have thought they were funny. After being monitored and seen by the doctor we were able to go home, thankfully! Praise God!  I was so happy that everything was okay and that I got to go home but I was also worried about how crazy things would have been if that had been delivery day.  I think this dry run at the hospital was a blessing because since Tuesday I have been able to contact the hospital staff, notify them of what went wrong and receive confirmation that it will not be like that on delivery day.  I trust them but just to be safe, I have multiple birth plans, contact lists and emails printed out in my now-almost-completely-packed-hospital bag! :) 

The hospital bag situation brought to mind other ways I am not as prepared as I should be at this point.  All along people have recommended to have as much in place as I can by 28 weeks and I'm 27 weeks.  So I spent time this week thinking of all the things I've yet to do.  For one, I need to have outfits ready to take to the hospital for John. Because of his condition he will not be the same size or proportions as a healthy newborn and I feel strongly that he should have an outfit that fits him in this world. I also know that I would be upset if he didn't have something special to wear when he leaves our arms.  I had mentioned this to Lene' a few weeks ago and I'm so glad I did.  Little did I know, Lene' and my mom have already taken care of all of this!  Lene' special ordered beautiful outfits for John and adorable outfits for Sam from micro-premie to newborn size, just in case the boys are very early.  I am so thankful that they took care of this for me.  I haven't wanted to think about it but I also wanted it to be done with love and thought and they knew that. 

There are many other things I dealt with this week that were saddening but I was able to make it through because of all of you!  Every day this week I received an unexpected letter, card, email or gift in the mail to brighten my day and let me know that people are praying for us.  The support has been unbelievable and so thoughtful! The Lord is using you to sustain me: 

Isaiah 46:4 
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Yesterday, my sweet friend Elena took maternity photos of me with Maggie. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do them but I'm glad I did. I know they are usually done further along in pregnancy but I'm not sure how many more weeks I'm going to be given on my feet.  Although Maggie was not in the most cooperative mood, Elena is a photographical (is this a word?) genius who was able to make it look like Maggie didn't mind the inconvenience! :)  I will share some of them when they are ready. 

We have a doctors appointment with Dr. B on Wednesday and Dr. U on Friday.  I can't believe it's already been a month since our last sonogram.  I'm excited to see my babies on Wednesday. I hope they cooperate more than Maggie and allow us to get some good pictures.

Thank you for your prayers and friendship!
Love, Krystle

False alarm

Yesterday I went to the doctor for an emergency appointment because I was having more contractions than I was comfortable with and was worried about preterm labor.  Thankfully, it was a false alarm but I could tell that something wasn't right and I was in a lot of pain.  The test results came back and I have two infections causing the contractions.  Some of the pain is being caused by a bladder infection and some of it is due to a hernia I have developed from carrying twins. We also discovered this week that I'm more anemic than I was a month ago.  Fortunately, the infections can be knocked out with antibiotics, the contractions have stopped with bed rest (which I'm on for at least 48 more hours) and the anemia can be fixed with more iron supplements.  The hernia we will deal with later. Although it is painful, it does not add any risk to John and Sam so I am thankful for that! 

On my way to the doctor I was strangely calm. I listened to "How Great Thou Art" in my car over and over again and prayed.  I was scared that my boys might be coming very early and that both of their lives were at risk. I started praying that this would not be the case but then I asked myself, "What if this is His will?"  Before I could think about it my lips whispered, "I will not be moved." 

I was so relieved in that moment. I knew that I would be scared and sad if this was the Lord's will but I was also confident that my resolve in His goodness and plan would not be shaken.  This knowledge has made me stronger and more capable of facing what lies ahead.  The Lord knew I needed this experience to help calm my anxiety about delivery day, whenever that may be.  I am blown away again by his providence.

Psalm 62:5-8

⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge. 

I need your prayers to get through the next 2 months and 12 days, until December 3rd! Please continue to pray that I make it at least 73 more days and that all of these temporary health issues are resolved quickly!

Love, Krystle

Chocolate, Grace & Heli-poppers

I have been reading lately about what the Bible says about children.  There is some wonderful parenting advice and great imagery relating to children but I've found myself really meditating and thinking on what it means to have "childlike faith."  Having the faith of a child is mentioned in Matthew, Mark and Luke so it must be important!  I've heard it discussed many times over the years but I've never stopped to really think about what it means to have faith like a child. 

Luke 18: 15-17

¹⁵ One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering him.

¹⁶ Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. ¹⁷ I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”

Instead of Googling what the great teachers and preachers of our time say about "childlike faith," I decided to just pay special attention to Maggie and see how her faith was revealed to me.  Maggie is 20 months old today and boy, is she fun! She is her own person, very opinionated and talking up a storm. She is our petite, affectionate, chocolate-loving firecracker and we are so blessed to have her!  Maggie has recently become obsessed with chocolate.  So much that a few nights ago Christian and I listened to her on the monitor as she went to sleep talking about "blue chocolate," "yellow chocolate," and "red chocolate"... otherwise known as M&Ms. The next morning, she woke up and the first thing out of her mouth was "chocolate!" with a big smile on her face.  When she realized that Christian and I were looking down at her she said, "PLEASE!"  We are asked for chocolate a lot and every time, regardless of time of day or if we even have chocolate, she expects us to give it to her.  Is this "childlike faith" - having every confidence that whatever your request, the Lord can fulfill it? 

"Chocolate Smile!"

I have also witnessed how Maggie views grace.  When she gets put into time-out or made to apologize, she never doubts that everything will be okay afterwards.  She will be screaming in time-out and then after she says, "sorry Mama" and we hug, she runs off to play.  She doesn't beat herself up, feel guilty or hold a grudge once it's over.  Even when she's made a bad choice, suffered the consequences and been held accountable, she doesn't doubt my love once it's over.  It's in the past and she happily climbs back up in my lap to watch "Mickey Mouse."  As adults, we question whether or not we deserve forgiveness and the unconditional love of God after we screw up. We have a hard time accepting grace when we don't feel "good enough" to deserve it.  Maybe having "childlike faith" means that we don't doubt God's love and are content to climb back into his hands?

This morning Christian, Maggie and I met up with my mom, brother-in-law and nephews at a community "Safety Day".  There were helicopters, firetrucks, ambulances, SWAT trucks, etc.  The kids all had a great time climbing in and out of the vehicles.  Maggie was especially impressed with the "heli-poppers".  After we had been there a while we noticed that there was a helicopter that was circling and about to land in the parking lot.  My mom was holding Maggie and she moved closer so that Maggie could have a better look.  At some point the noise, wind or excitement became too much and Maggie was frightened.  My mom hurried back towards us saying that Maggie was crying for her daddy.  She lunged into Christian's arms frowning and started pointing towards the helicopter.  She was scared and what immediately made sense to her was to run to her daddy.  I'm not sure what she thought he could do about the helicopter but she knew her daddy could make it better and keep her safe.  Is this the lesson that Jesus was teaching? - When we don't know what is happening, when we are scared or sad, we should immediately run to our Father because he can make it better? 

Maybe "childlike faith" is all of these things or maybe it's something else altogether.  I plan on asking Jesus when I see Him. 

 

"Heli-poppers"

My appointment with Dr. U was upsetting on Friday.  Medically, everything is going well.  Both heart rates were good, all my blood work came back normal, I haven't had any big contractions and he didn't mention bed rest at all. These are all praises! However, when the nurse came in to give me my RhoGAM shot I fell apart.  I get RhoGAM every 12 weeks and she mentioned that this would more than likely be my last injection.  Hearing from the nurse that I would deliver within the next 12 weeks made it sound very soon and I got nervous.  Then, Dr. U came in. After running through all the medical stuff and doing an ultrasound he asked how I was doing emotionally.  I lost it again.  I had been feeling off for a few days and I guess it was just time to break down.  I told him how hearing "12 weeks" made me nervous and how when I think about walking into the OR on deliver day I still want to throw up.  I told him I don't know how we drive to hospital knowing what will happen and how guilty I still feel for Sam that everyone will (more than likely) be sad on the day he is born.  I cried that I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get out all the things I want to say to John and that I was scared that Sam might be in the NICU if born too early.  I told him how I was nervous that I would have postpartum depression and that I didn't want to have to tell Maggie that she won't be bringing home "two babies."  Dr. U is an amazing man and he sat and listened and handed me kleenex and was very sad himself. He shared the ways he is specifically praying for me and my family and took the time to reassure me on things even though he had a full waiting room and 5 full exam rooms.  We are so blessed to have such an amazing friend in our doctor.  It makes all the difference and this friendship is another blessing that I know the Lord has provided.   It has been difficult this week to see all the blessings, even though I know they are there.  I have a lot of worry and anxiety that I need to leave at the Lord's feet in the next 12 weeks.  Please help me do this with your prayers. 

Love, Krystle

 

P.S. Brady is home from the hospital and doing well!  Thank you for praying for his recovery!

Playlist

Ever since I received the babycenter.com update two weeks ago mentioning that my babies now have developed hearing, Christian and I have been talking to them regularly.  We tell them the things you would expect, "We love you", "Stay put until December 3rd", "We are so happy to be your Mama and Daddy", "God made you perfect" etc. but I've also been describing much of what I see to them and telling them things I think they would want to know.   I didn't realize how aware I had become of their hearing until I was driving home this week and a song came on the radio with lewd lyrics.  Maggie wasn't in the car but I changed it and thought to myself, "I don't want my boys listening to that!" This got me thinking about music and how I want to make sure John gets every Earthly experience he can.  So, I started going through my iPod and playing the songs I thought every person should hear before they die.  I know taste in music is a personal and subjective thing but I've tried to balance it out with what I think is important (Fleetwood Mac, George Strait, Bach, Beethoven, David Bowie, Journey, Les Miserables soundtrack, U2, Garth Brooks, Aerosmith, Gypsy Kings, "The Eyes of Texas" and various Praise & Worship bands) and what their Daddy thinks is important (Bob Marley, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Elvis Presley, Stevie Ray Vaughn).  It's hard to tell which songs they prefer but I do know that we have at least one Bob Marley fan in my belly!  I'm sharing this because I have a few friends and family members who have strong opinions on music.   If there is a particular song you think everyone should hear on this Earth, please let me know and I'll play it for them.  Please, no one email me with the "Aggie War Hymn". :)

In addition to iTunes, I have also been spending time in Ecclesiastes.  I've been thinking about the different seasons of life.  I feel honored that I have been chosen to carry these boys for a season.  I know there is a season (and reason) for everything and I feel reassured that "God has made everything beautiful for its own time."  I pray these words minister to your heart as they have to mine.

Ecclesiastes 3

1 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
² A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
⁶ A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do people really get for all their hard work? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. ¹¹ Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Prayer Requests:  Our nephew Brady is back at Texas Children's Hospital after only being home a few days.  Please be praying that he makes a full recovery very soon and can go home.  Also, we have an appointment with Dr. U on Friday.   Please pray that my appointments continue to go well. 

Love, Krystle 

Praise!

We have been richly blessed since last Thursday. First of all, hours after I posted my last blog entry, I received an email from the hospital saying that almost all of our requests had been approved! YAY! I know this was through the power of prayer and I greatly appreciate any you said on our behalf.

Secondly, I had the opportunity to go to the UT football game on Saturday.  We couldn't find a sitter so Christian recommended that he stay home with Maggie while I went with my family.  He is such a servant-leader and an amazing friend.  We were both excited that our boys got to attend a UT football game.  I enjoyed the night with family and friends and was joyful that I got to share the experience with my sons, plus the Horns won! \m/  I also spoke with a friend who told me that reading this blog had encouraged her in her walk with Christ.  WOW! I was so honored that she shared that with me!  I am also thankful to the Lord for showing me ways John has been a blessing to others.

Third, we had a great appointment with Dr. B today. It feels odd to type that.  No, John has not been miraculously healed. His condition was more evident today than before but Christian and I left the appointment feeling blessed and grateful. We got to watch John and Sam for about 30 minutes and marvel at the Lord's handiwork.  John was very active and the technician had a hard time getting his heart rate because of how much he was moving.  Christian commented that he looked like Maggie rolling around when she doesn't want her diaper changed! Dr. B reconfirmed that Sam looks perfectly healthy and is measuring one day ahead of my due date. Dr. B saw no causes for additional concern and said he saw no indication of polyhydramnios - Another praise! He also said that he didn't foresee bed rest for maybe another 2 months!! Thank you for your prayers! 

Both of the boys were facing towards my back so it made getting a profile picture very difficult but here is one of my beautiful John Kay. (His head is at the top and you are looking at the left side of his face.)

I realize that while I have given John's diagnosis, Thanatophoric dysplasia (TD), I haven't explained why it is lethal.  John's bones are all small and bowed.  What makes this different from just being a 'little person' is that his chest cavity is also very small. Because of this, John's heart, which is normal sized, takes up 60%-65% of his chest cavity and leaves no room for his lungs to develop.  John is able to breathe through the placenta/umbilical cord but once he is born, he will not have developed lungs.  Even though I know God could heal John if he wanted to, and I was holding my breath a little as the ultrasound started, I do not feel that it is going to happen.  Seeing John today did not make me angry with the Lord, as I thought it might.  Seeing John and Sam today made me more in love with my boys and more thankful for the gift I've been given, no matter how temporary.   While we were in the ultrasound I was thinking about a passage I read this morning in a wonderful book, "I Will Carry You." Angie Smith writes:

He gives and He takes away.  Have I had moments of genuine questioning where I blamed myself and anyone else I could? Yes.  But when those thoughts come, and they will, we must make a choice about who we will be from this day forward.  Either we will go through life as bitter servants, or we will make Him famous with our love. I want Him to be famous.

This passage made me think of my Granny who lost three of her children yet was never a "bitter servant."  She was a living witness of God's grace and mercy to me for 30 years and I am thankful for her example.  I find myself asking "WWGD" - "What would Granny do?" :) I might make some bracelets!

I have also been reading some poetry on loss and death.  I was lead to the below by Henry Scott Holland and I think it is absolutely beautiful and want to share:

I am standing on the seashore.

A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.
I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon,
and someone at my side says,
"She is gone."

Gone where?

The loss of sight is in me, not in her.
Just at the moment when someone says,
"She is gone,"
there are others who are watching her coming.
Other voices take up the glad shout,
"Here she comes,"
and that is dying.

Thank you for your prayers! As always, they work! 
Love, Krystle