32 weeks, 4 days!

Your prayers are working friends! It's been over a week since my last post and these babies are still in my belly, praise God! I see Dr. B and Dr. U weekly now and both of our appointments this week went well.  Lene' went with me to Dr. B's on Monday and we watched as they measured Sam and John.  Sam looks wonderful and is practicing breathing, which is a great sign! He weighs about 4 lbs and had both of his fists up against his face so we could not get a good profile picture.  John's heartbeat was strong and he was moving around a lot.  It's hard for them to get a good estimate on how much he weighs because weight is estimated by arm & leg lengths and head & belly circumference.  His arms and legs measure 16-17 weeks, his head measures 35 weeks and his belly measures 32 weeks so the formulas are off but Dr. B assumes he weighs around 3 lbs. His heart is now taking up more than 70% of his tiny chest and he is not practicing breathing, as expected. We did get to see his tiny hands and I enjoyed that. Dr. B and Dr. U both say that each day I stay pregnant takes about 3 days off of Sam's NICU stay, so everyday is a victory and praise.  All of the prayers, bed rest and medicines are working and they both think I could make it to 34 weeks/November 19th but I haven't given up on Dec. 3rd!

Speaking of bed rest, I am so blessed to have my mom and Lene' close by.  My mom comes over every morning before Christian leaves for work and stays with me and Maggie until he gets home.  She entertains Maggie, anticipates my every need, drives me to appointments, cleans my house and buys groceries. Besides taking care of all the daily stuff, she is also here to hold me when I'm sad.  I don't think there is any substitute for your mom's arms when you are crying, especially when those arms hug as well as Laura Kirchmeyer's!  I do not know what we would do without her and I hope I'm half the mom that she is. Lene' is mini-mom and fills in wherever we need her. She is up all hours of the night so when I can't sleep, or I'm having contractions at 3am, I'm able to talk to her. She is hilarious when I need to laugh and comforting when I'm upset. When I ask her opinion on something she really thinks about it, researches it and comes back with a thoughtful response. I hope everyone has a friend or sibling like that in their life.

I have so much to be thankful for so I feel guilty for the sadness I've been feeling this week. The steroid shots and the anti-contraction medicine make me feel jittery, anxious and like I'm having a panic attack so I'm sure that has made it worse.  I'm having a hard time thinking about when John physically leaves us.  I don't know how I call a nurse to come take my baby from me.  How do I decide when I've held him long enough? And how do I sleep in a hospital knowing that my baby is in some cold dark place all alone in the same building?  My head tells me that he will no longer be there. I know he will be in Paradise experiencing so much joy and love but I go crazy thinking about him being alone.  I've read that it's easier for some moms to have their baby go straight from their arms to the funeral home. I think I've decided on this but then I change my mind.  I don't know how you make these decisions. I've been praying for discernment but so far I just feel like there are only bad choices.  I've also been sad thinking about Sam being in the NICU.  If he is, I won't be able to see him for 12 hours or more after having a c-section.  I feel silly admitting that. I know there are so much more important things than worrying about not being with him right away. I know Sam won't be alone and a family member will be with him. I am thankful that my doctors say that Sam should be perfectly healthy after a brief NICU stay, if any. I try to focus on that but this week I just keep fearing that I'll be leaving the hospital without either of my babies and it makes my heart hurt. I've known this is the case all along but this week it is occupying my thoughts. 

I haven't been as intentional in my bible study and quiet time this week. I believe the majority of this sadness and worry is the result.  I have spent hours thinking and praying but not hearing what the Lord has to say to me through His word. I know only the Great Physician can heal my heart and give me the comfort I need. I plan on spending time in His word this weekend.

Thank you for your prayers for my family.
Love, Krystle