Confidence

A couple of weeks ago, after Christian and I turned out the light and said our good-nights, I whispered, "I'm scared" into the dark and started sobbing. I know it broke his heart to hear me say it but it broke mine to admit it to us both.   I was mainly scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to be a good mama to Sam and John on delivery day.  I was scared that if labor started right then, my heart would fail me and I would spend precious moments being a mess instead of being a smiling, soothing and comforting presence to my boys.  I've been told numerous times that children feed off of their parents' emotions and I believe it.  So it has been one of my continual prayers that I am able to praise God for every moment we have John and remain in a spirit of Thanksgiving, peace and love the whole time he is with us. I've witnessed firsthand how beautiful and peaceful it is when someone is loved over into eternity.  My Granny passed away this summer and we were all at her bedside when she left this world. For two days my mom held her, recounted happy memories and told her that she could go to Jesus now if it was her time. She smiled at Granny and listed all the people in Heaven who would be so happy to see her.  The few times Granny opened her eyes, she saw loving, smiling faces that told her she was not alone and that it was okay if she had to leave. If John has to leave us, then I want that for him.  I have been scared for the past few weeks that I wouldn't be strong enough but I'm not scared anymore.  This weekend I spent a lot of time in scripture and in prayer pouring out my doubt to the Lord and He heard me.  This specific fear has been removed from my heart and it has been replaced by confidence! I am confident that on delivery day the Lord will drink deeply of my despair and will be present to shower joy over my heart so that I can love my baby into eternity. 

This week I read these words and they echo exactly what I am feeling in my heart:

Psalm 40: 1-5

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

    and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

    out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

    and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

    a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

    They will put their trust in the Lord.

 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,

    who have no confidence in the proud

    or in those who worship idols.

O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.

    Your plans for us are too numerous to list.

    You have no equal.

If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,

    I would never come to the end of them. 

I am starting to get excited about delivery day.  I'd like to put it off until December 3rd so that Sam has plenty of time to develop but I am not dreading it like I was.  I'm in a place of waiting but not worrying like before. I was reminded this morning to, "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7.  It's hard to do much else on bed rest! :) 

My appointments with Dr. B and Dr. U went well this week. Dr. B did a sonogram and both boys look good! We didn't get a good photo of either because they are so squished in my belly but John was moving all around and Sam had his fists in front of his face again. I saw Dr. U yesterday and he said that I'm now measuring 40 weeks - I definitely feel it!  Both doctors say that getting to 34 weeks (this Sunday) is a great milestone and Dr. U says that if I can make it to 35 weeks the chances of Sam coming home when I do are very high! Thank you for your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy and good doctors appointments.

I do have a specific prayer request: Maggie has been sick the past 3 days. She just has a cold but she hasn't been sleeping well and she's been very clingy. Please pray that she is well before I go into the hospital. Her mama being away for a few nights will be even harder on her if she isn't feeling well.

Thank you for your prayers old friends, new friends and future friends! There is nothing I appreciate more than you lifting up my family in prayer to our faithful God. I know He hears us and He has the awesome power to replace fear with confidence! 

"My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!" - Psalm 57:7

Love, Krystle