John's service

I cannot believe it has already been 2 weeks since John's service and over 3 weeks since my boys were born. Time is moving so quickly.  Some days I'm glad and think I must be one day closer to feeling "normal" again and other days it scares me because I'm worried I might forget what John felt like in my arms or the way he smelled.  Yesterday was my birthday and I shared with a friend that I keep waiting for the morning that I wake up and it feels like the holidays and I feel like celebrating. She told me that it might not happen this year, and that's okay. She's right - I don't know why I needed someone else to tell me it was okay if I didn't feel like celebrating but I did. 

I meant to write about John's service last week but it never felt right. Right now, it's 3am and I'm snuggling Sam and it feels right. So as this angel sleeps on my chest I will remember my angel that sleeps in Heavenly peace. 

We were discharged from the hospital on Sunday, December 2nd and spent much of the following week getting ready for John's service.  Christian's mom, Margarita, stayed with us for the entire week and we were so blessed to have her here. She entertained Maggie, kept the house running, ran errands, made sure everyone was fed and helped with Sam so that I could get some rest.  She also just listened and loved on me and made a difficult time more bearable.  I am so fortunate to have not one, but two, wonderful and loving moms.

On Thursday, December 6th, my mom and dad went to the funeral home to be present for John's cremation.  I wanted someone to be there but I couldn't do it myself. My mom and dad held him and kissed him and told me afterward that he still looked beautiful and peaceful. Later that afternoon they brought John home.  It was hard but felt good to have him here.  My dad made the box John is in and it is beautiful.  It took him months to build and he made it out of a fallen tree he found out at their house. It is also a music box that plays, "How Great Thou Art" and has a silver plate on the front that says "John Kay Alvarado."  I will post pictures of it soon.  Having John in the box my dad built for him makes me feel like John is less alone, even though I know John is in Heaven and not in the box.  

They day of the funeral I woke up and remember thinking, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." I knew I wouldn't be "glad" but I reminded myself that the Lord was with us and had chosen this path for us so I should rejoice in that truth.  The morning was calm and spent getting the house ready for the friends and family that would be coming over after the service.  I began to feel nervous when I started getting dressed.  I remember having a slow motion feeling as I put on my makeup and looked in the mirror.  I thought, "Am I really getting dressed for my baby's funeral? How did this happen? How do you choose an eyeshadow color to wear to your child's funeral?"  I was on the verge of breaking down when Christian came in and said something to me. I don't remember what it was but it helped me keep it together through getting dressed. Christian and I went to the church early so that we could take John ourselves and make sure everything was set up. Christian drove as I sat with John on my lap.  We held hands and didn't speak. You hear people say, "There are no words...." but you don't know it until you find yourself in one of those moments. On that short drive to the church, with John on my lap, it was so obvious what we were heading to do that there were no words.  I didn't know what to pray for so I prayed for the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf and to be preparing my heart to hear what He wanted me to.

Christian carried John into the church and as I watched him I thought about how much growing up we had done together in the past 8 years. He looked handsome and sad and I fell in love with him again in that moment.

Family began showing up and it was so nice to see everyone. As we waited for the funeral to start I had many special moments with loved ones that I will never forget.  Terry came and told us it was time to get started and he prayed over our family before we walked out. I felt shaky but Christian held my hand and led me to our seats.  After Terry welcomed everyone we sang the two songs we had selected, "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman and "How Great Thou Art." Despite my broken heart I worshiped! I poured out my sadness to the Lord and felt His presence. I remember singing, "And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare. And there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the earth" and thinking, "Yes, Lord!" I lifted my hand as we sang "When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, What joy shall fill my heart." I smiled and thought of how thankful I was for the knowledge that I would see my baby boy again. Terry read Psalm 139: 13-16 and spoke about how John was indeed "Wonderfully made" and how he was the Lord's child and that his purpose was carried out in the short time he was here.  He shared what he saw in the hospital as we loved John into and out of this world and spoke on how beautiful this experience was because of God's involvement in it. I wish I had recorded it because Terry's words were perfect and a salve to my injured heart.  He said many meaningful things but the thing that has stuck with me the most and I find myself repeating every day is, "Death did not take John, God did."  When I think of it like that it brings me peace and understanding. John is not gone, he is very much alive and spending time in the presence of the Lord waiting on us to be together again. Death did not take my precious boy, God did!


When Terry was finished Jenny sang, "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks.  She did an amazing job and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. As she sang I remember willing myself to let go of all the future plans I had made for John and Sam together - matching outfits, same little league teams, living room wrestling matches, bunk beds.  Then I thought about his first word I would never hear, birthday pictures I wouldn't take, skinned knees I wouldn't kiss and his little hands I would never hold again on Earth. I closed my eyes, gave it all to God, prayed, "Thy will be done" and felt comforted in that moment. At the end of the service we played "If We Never Meet Again This Side of Heaven" by Johnny Cash -  Christian's touch of course!

We spent the afternoon catching up with family and friends. I was so touched by all the people who came to celebrate John! I was joyful in the company of so many wonderful, loving people. Thank you to each of you who attended!

This past weekend in church our pastor preached on making sense of the senseless. It was a wonderful message and we read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7:

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

 I read over this scripture a few times this week and it made me wonder about what people have suffered so that they could be a comfort to me during this season of my life.  So many people have brought me comfort and compassion and I know you can only do that out of a heart that also knows suffering and distress. It is my prayer that each of you realize what a blessing you have been to my family through your compassion and comfort, which were brought about through your previous sufferings. I hope you can see and feel the way God is restoring you heart.  It is also my prayer that I use my troubled heart to pour love and comfort on those who need it. If there are those I can comfort through my experience, I want to. There is no better way for me to honor my John.

Love, Krystle

John & Sam's birth story

Friends and Family,
Every day I wake up with the intention of writing about my boys' birth and John's memorial service. Some days it feels too painful to write, some days I'm at a loss for words and other days I'm just too tired.   I don't know if it is the grief, lack of sleep or baby blues but I am not as productive as I used to be! This morning I feel thankful and semi-well rested so here I am. 

On November 28th I started to have sporadic contractions and other labor signs. I called my doctor and he recommended coming in at 11am. I had a feeling that this time was different but I was not scared.  My mom rode with me and we sat quietly praying and listening to praise music.  I was sent to Labor & Delivery to be observed.  They saw that I was having contractions and so we waited to see Dr. U.  He came in around 3pm and said I was dilating but it could still be another day or two.  He said that since I was there, there was no used to waiting to deliver because he felt that it was imminent and he was worried about John's head size growing much larger.  After prayer I felt that we should move forward and I asked if we could wait until the morning.  I wanted to wait so that all our family had time to get to the hospital and so that I would have one last night with my boys.  My csection was scheduled for 7am the next morning.  I was checked into the hospital and our birth/care plan was put into action.  St. David's did a phenomenal job of addressing each aspect of our birth plan.  They put me in a large L&D suite across from a nurses station and away from other delivering moms.  My nurses were amazing and treated me with love and tenderness. Everyone did their best to accommodate me and my family and I will forever be grateful to them. 

Over the next few hours family trickled in from across Texas to love on us and await Sam and John's arrival.  I felt relieved that we had decided to stay and schedule the csection because at 1am my water broke - these boys were coming on November 29th all along! God knows what a planner I am and He saved us from the panicked, middle of the night rush to the hospital. My contractions got progressively worse and closer together throughout the night.  I was offered pain medication but I wanted to feel the entire experience and I didn't want to be sleepy or groggy when I met my boys for the first time.  Our wonderful pastors, Terry and Ryan, prayed over us before I was wheeled to the OR. I felt a Heavenly reassurance. I remember hugging and kissing my family as I went into the delivery room and Christian telling me that he loved me and he'd be in the OR soon. I remember feeling thankful that I didn't break down or have to be carried into the OR....I went willingly and felt peace.   Two nurses had me stand in front of a fetal monitor so they could listen to the boys to make sure they weren't under any stress before we started.  They tracked Sam right away. He was being still.  It took them almost 10 minutes to monitor John. He kept moving and kicking so they had a hard time monitoring him.  I started crying and thinking that he knew what was coming and he was just trying to buy himself a little more time in my belly with his brother. The nurses grabbed my hands and spoke kind words.  When I looked around the room I noticed there were at least 20 people buzzing around.  One of Dr. U's nurses that I've known for years came up to me and hugged me. She was crying too and she held onto me as they started putting the spinal in my back.  I started to shake and I repeated over and over again, "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

Dr. U came in and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.  A few minutes later I saw Christian and my mom enter. It felt so good to have Christian at my side and holding my hand.  He calmed me down and helped me breathe through the waves of nausea. Dr. U said it was time to get started.  Only 3 or 4 minutes later they told us to get ready to meet John.  Dr. U held him up over the curtain and John cried! Our sweet baby boy was alive and breathing and crying! I said, "Praise God!" and they took him to wipe him down and clear his throat and nose.  One minute later, Dr. U said, "Here is Sam!" and held him over the curtain.  I remember thinking, "God is good!" and "He has really long legs!" Before I knew it, Christian was holding John and bringing him over to me.  I rubbed my face on his and kissed his cheek. We told him we loved him and that we were so happy to meet him.  He was so sweet and chubby and he smelled like Heaven. He was making noises so he must be able to breathe! I looked to Dr. B (who was there to assess if we should change our care plan in case John came out healthier than expected) and he smiled at me and said we had made all the right decisions and that John might have 30 minutes to a few hours to live. I closed my eyes and told myself that this cup of suffering would not pass but it was hard to believe it with that sweet angel on my chest. Christian came back over and was holding Sam.  I asked how Sam was doing and everyone said, "Great!" and "Better than expected!" Praise God!  I nuzzled Sam and looked at John and smiled. My boys were here and they were beautiful and my heart overflowed. 

I took a minute to look around the OR and everyone was smiling at us.  Christian, my mom, Lene' (how did she get in here!!?!), both doctors and all my nurses were smiling and oohing and ahhing over my boys and I was a proud mama! Not long after that we all went back to my room as a family, as we had prayed for. Our family that was there came in and got to meet Sam and John.  I thought that it would be hard to let others hold John but it wasn't.  I wanted to show him off and watch him get loved on by all his family. I remember sitting and smiling as I watched Sam and John get passed from person to person. I loved hearing how one had my mouth and one had my eyes and how much dark hair each of them had.  When John's heart rate started to slow he was back in my arms.  I don't remember if everyone left the room or if I just didn't notice people any longer but for the remaining moments I held John and told him not to be afraid. I told him that I was so proud of him and so proud to be his mama. I told him that he could leave us and go to Jesus now if it was his time and I promised him that I would see him again soon.  I rubbed his face and nose and sang him "This Little Light of Mine." I held his little hands and kissed his fingers. I remember Christian sitting beside me the whole time and holding Sam.  Our family surrounded my bed and Terry lead us in prayer. I noticed that John was going longer and longer in between breaths and I started praying.  At 9:50am, the neonatologist came in and checked John's pulse.  He told me he was very sorry but that John was no longer with us. I looked down and in my arms was a beautiful sleeping baby boy who only ever knew love. He was in Paradise and being welcomed by angels and Christ himself, but my heart broke. 

After John passed I unwrapped him and looked at every inch of his little body.   He was perfect from his dark wavy hair down to his itty bitty toenails. He he had his first bath with Sam and the nurses brought them to my bedside so that I could watch as they were cleaned.  While the boys were laying next to each other, Sam nestled close to John and put his tiny arm around him. It was the cutest thing! 

A little while later, Mr. Hanson from the funeral home came to pick up John.  Everyone left the room and gave me and Christian time alone with John and Sam to say good bye.  I don't remember what I said but I know that when it was time for me to hand over John, I could not.  I couldn't let him go.  His daddy had to pick him up out of my arms and give him to Mr. Hanson. I couldn't watch them wrap him up and I couldn't watch them walk out the door. Tears filled my eyes as I was consumed with the worst feeling imaginable. I sobbed and shook until the pain in my csection incision begged me to stop and I realized that Maggie and Sam would suffer if I didn't heal quickly.  I don't really remember anything after that on November 29th. It was a beautiful, awesome and painful day. I can see many blessings that were poured on me throughout the labor and delivery of my sons. Thank you for your part in that.  Even though this bitter cup did not pass, I can celebrate the fact that God was glorified in John's short life.  

John's memorial service was on December 8th and it was beautiful and joyful. I will write about it in a few days. 

Below are a few photos from November 29th. These were taken by Bill Peary with Peary Photography.  Bill did an amazing job capturing our love, excitement and loss. We were honored that he was there and I'm so thankful I'll always have these pictures. 

Happy mama with her boys!

Proud mama and daddy!

Holding hands

Family pouring love on us

Prayers for our angel boy

Brotherly love

John and Sam

John Kay Alvarado, November 29th, 4lbs 13 oz, 14.5 inches

Thank you for your prayers.
Love, Krystle

Remembering John

The past 6 days have been beautiful, awesome and painful.  When I feel up to it I will blog about the time leading up to delivery and the birth of our boys.  For now, I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers. They sustained us and allowed us peace and joy in a remarkable situation. We were surrounded by Christ's love and able to enjoy every second with John.  I experienced joy and absolute love during their delivery. I was able to smile at John and tell him everything I wanted to. He was held by each of his grandparents and his aunts and uncles that were present.  John was never in pain and passed peacefully from this world in my arms.  Our John Kay was 4 lbs 12 oz and 14.5 inches long, much bigger than expected!  Samuel Christian is 4 lbs 11 oz and 18 inches long and such a good baby. He loves being held and snuggled by his mama. We were discharged yesterday afternoon and I'm so thankful that Sam was able to come home with us.  Leaving the hospital without John was difficult. Maggie  is so happy to have us home and she's been a very helpful and loving big sister so far. 

We will be celebrating John's life this Saturday, December 8th at 2pm at Lake Hills Church, www.lhc.org.  We would love for you to join us as we remember our sweet boy.

Love, Krystle