Guilt and Watch Keepers

I have been feeling guilty lately. I think it is the reason for the funk I was in on Monday.  Last weekend I was feeling very tired and heartsick.  During that time I found myself wishing that this season of my life was over already.  After realizing that I had been praying for this all to be over, I was overwhelmed with guilt.  How could I want this season to end when it is the only earthly life John will ever know? What kind of mom feels that way?!? I felt defeated and like a bad mom.  Now, I never wanted my pregnancy to end, after all, we are all praying that these boys stay put until December 3rd! I just felt that I wanted this 'cup of suffering' to pass more quickly.  Acknowledging this made me feel that I was doubting the Lord and then I felt guilty for that as well.  The good thing about this guilt and disappointment is that it lead me back to His word. I found myself in Matthew yesterday:

Matthew 26: 36 Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” ³⁷ He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. ³⁸ He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

³⁹ He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Reading this anguish filled passage actually made me feel joyful. I felt comforted that Jesus had felt the same thing and in his exhaustion and sadness had prayed the same prayer.  I no longer felt guilty and weak for my earlier prayers, I felt heard and soothed. 

Something else occurred to me as well: it is a normal and God-given desire to want people to "keep watch" over you in your sadness.  Even Jesus wanted his loved-ones around him while he was distressed.  I am not a needy person but have been feeling very needy lately.  This does not sit well with me.  I like to do things for myself and (many times) by myself. This hasn't been possible on restricted activity.  I need people around to help with Maggie and everyday activities.  However, besides the physical activities, I've noticed I need and want people around emotionally.  It is comforting and validating to have people "keep watch" and pray for you and the Lord has put this desire in our hearts.  This blog, your emails, cards, texts and phone calls have helped and restored me more than you know. Thank you for being our watch keepers physically, spiritually and emotionally!  If you are suffering in some way, I encourage you to please let someone know.  We were not created to suffer alone!

 This morning I was watching cartoons with Maggie and enjoying Sam and John moving around in my belly. I felt peaceful and all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of happiness came over me.  I knew in that moment that John and Sam are both happy! As if to reaffirm the feeling, they both moved at the same time.  I'm crying happy tears thinking about it now. People have been telling me that babies in the womb have "eternity" in their hearts as well but there is scriptural evidence for their joy in Luke 1:

³⁹ A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town ⁴⁰ where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. ⁴¹ At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child leaped within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

⁴² Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. ⁴³ Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? ⁴⁴ When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. ⁴⁵ You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

Mary had just found out she was pregnant with Jesus a few days before she went to see Elizabeth.   Elizabeth was 6 months pregnant.  Elizabeth's child, John, knew he was in the presence of the Lord even 3-4 months before his birth and he was joyous!  The other beautiful thing is that Mary was only a few weeks pregnant and scripture points out that the child within her was already the Lord. From the time we are conceived we are already spirit-filled beings with a desire to know God. 

Our meeting with the hospital yesterday went okay.  Everyone was very nice but many of our requests are still up in the air or awaiting approval.  I'm trying to decide how hard I want to push on some aspects of our care plan.  I'm so thankful for Christian and Lene' and the fact that they were both in the meeting.  Christian is so logical and clear-headed when it comes to decisions and sweet Lene' is a fierce advocate on our behalf.  The hospital told us something might not be possible and Lene' has already found a way around them.  The rule follower in me thinks, "I know rules are put in place for the benefit of everyone" but the mom in me thinks, "I know what is best for my babies and I don't care about your rules!"  I'm not sure how much of it I should fight and how much of it I should leave in God's hands? So much of it depends on the timing of their delivery and how healthy Sam is at that point. There is no way for any of us to know the answers to these questions so we will continue to rely on the only One who does know. 

Prayer Requests: Many of you know the amazing story of our nephew Brady. If not, you can read some of his story here.   Brady has been at Texas Children's since Tuesday. He is on the mend but please be praying for a speedy and full recovery for this wonderful little boy!   

We have an appointment with the Perinatologist, Dr. B on Tuesday.  It will be the first time since we received John's diagnosis that we will have an ultrasound and see Dr. B.  I'm nervous but also excited to see my boys! Please be praying that the appointment goes well and Dr. B doesn't see any indication of polyhydramnios. 

Love, Krystle

In a Funk

I didn't sleep last night. I was awake thinking about John. I think it's because I had a lot of hard moments yesterday.  Things that I'm usually able to give over to God were not as easy for some reason.

Christian, Maggie and I went to church yesterday morning.  While we were walking into the children's ministry someone asked about my pregnancy, since I'm obviously showing.  Some days these conversations are hard and others they are not.  Eventually the person ends up asking me if I know if I'm having a boy or a girl.  I reply with "boys" because I am not going to deny John's existence. I am having twin boys regardless of how many babies I bring home from the hospital. Then, the conversation always goes one of two ways:

1) About 80% of the time they start telling me how I'm never going to get any sleep and how hard it's going to be to have twin boys.  I stand there smiling but most of the time I want to yell, "You know what's going to be harder than having twin boys?!? Not having twin boys!" I don't know why people are so eager to tell you how miserable they think you are going to be.  The parents I've met of multiples are encouraging and will tell you what a blessing their children are. During these conversations I think of what the representative for Hand to Hold told me: "Most people are not trying to be devastating. Most people have good intentions no matter how unfortunate their word choice."  I agree but it's really hard to take when a lady I don't know, who doesn't have twins says, "You are having twin boys? Better you than me!" Last week I finally shot back, "I agree!" My prayer is that for now on I will always be uplifting to the pregnant women I meet.  Instead of telling them how horrible it is to be pregnant, go through labor, heal from a c-section, have stretchmarks, lose sleep, etc....why don't we tell them how blessed they are to be carrying God's creation and what a miracle life is?

2) About 20%  of they time they start telling me how much fun it is going to be to watch brothers grow up together.  They start talking about Sam and John being best friends and mention how they will get into trouble together and be on the same t-ball team. I loved talking to these people before John's diagnosis because they are so uplifting and paint such a beautiful picture of family. I still appreciate the sentiment but it makes me so sad. It reminds me of all the conversations Christian and I have had about what our boys were going to be like and our plans for our family. I hold on to the promise of God's plans for our future instead: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:11-13, NIV).

I had a hard time during church as well. We sang "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder Band.  I love this song but yesterday it tore me apart. I'm still trying to figure out why.

On a medical note, my appointment with Dr. U went well on Friday.    Thank you for your prayers.  Lene' went with me and we got to hear both heartbeats. Dr. U said everything looks good!  No swelling, good weight gain and perfect blood pressure. I'm measuring 30 weeks at 22 weeks but he said this is normal for twins.  No bed rest yet but he did recommend staying off my feet as much as possible, which I'm working on.

We have a meeting on Thursday at 2pm with the NICU Director, Labor & Delivery Director,  head Neonatologist, and Hospital Chaplain at St. David's. Lene' gave the NICU Director our birth/care plan last week and she thinks it is all possible, which is a relief and great news! We will review it all on Thursday so that everyone is on the same page.  We have made requests for things that they usually don't allow so we need special permission. For example,  we want more than one person in the OR as the boys are being delivered, we want a private recovery room (instead of going to the 8 bed recovery bay), we want a nurse with us to immediately administer meds to John if he starts to struggle or be in pain, and we want a family member to be able to go with Sam to the NICU and ask questions on our behalf if needed. I'm sure this meeting will be difficult but I will feel better having my questions answered, putting faces with names and knowing that all the necessary paperwork is completed. 

I'm still in a funk today. Some days are just harder than others. I'm thankful that Christian is working from home and has been around to make me smile.  I am also grateful for your prayers!

Love, Krystle 

P.S. My sister Isabel sent me the below video. It's beautiful but will probably make you cry. 

Book Recommendations

I love to read. When I was pregnant with Maggie I read 15-20 pregnancy books.  Since her birth, I've read numerous parenting books. I crave information and like to know what to expect.  My friends and family know this and I've been gifted many helpful and uplifting books over the past 3 weeks.

If you are carrying a child with a fatal diagnosis, have suffered a miscarriage or infant loss, I would recommend any of the below books.  I would also recommend gifting these books to a loved one who may be going through a similar situation.

-"I'll Hold You in Heaven: Healing and Hope For The Parent Who Has Lost a Child Through Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Abortion or Early Infant Death." Jack Hayford

This book is brief but explains what the Bible says specifically about unborn children. It was reassuring and filled with scripture. 

-"A Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy When Your Baby's Life Is Expected to Be Brief" Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D.

Every time I picked up this book it was a very emotional read because most of the information is presented through the personal stories of parents and health care providers. It contained a lot of practical suggestions on what to expect and things to think about. While I didn't enjoy reading it, I found it useful and used some of the suggestions in John's care plan.

-"When Hello Means Goodbye: A Guide For Parents Whose Child Dies Before Birth, At Birth or Shortly After Birth" Pat Schwiebert, RN and Paul Kirk, MD

A short informational booklet from the Perinatal Loss Organization. I would recommend reading this if you do not want to read all 400 pages of "A Gift of Time".  It is a good balance of practical information and emotional support.

-"Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D

This book is mainly about how to grieve in a healthy way. It goes over signs of depression, potential problems within your marriage, ways to parent your other children , and how to deal with the anger, hurt and sadness you will feel for years to come.  I believe it is designed to help a mother after her child has left this world, not before.  It made me a little fearful of what is to come but I am now aware of many potential 'red-flags'.

-"Heaven is for Real" Todd Burpo

This book is the true story of a little boy's trip to Heaven and back. It's a very easy and uplifting read. I found comfort in the encounter he had in Heaven with his "older sister" whom had died when their mom miscarried.  It was reassuring to me that I will see John and all of our other angel babies in Heaven one day. 

-"Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow" Nancy Guthrie

We were given this book by a dear friend. His mom has lost two of her beloved children and this book has brought her peace. I'm not finished with it yet but it has ministered to my heart already.  As Nancy Guthrie says, "If you believe what Jesus says about those who believe in Him, you will grieve differently than those who do not believe.  Your sorrow will be real but it will be a hope-filled sorrow devoid of despair. You will grieve as a person whose soul is anchored by confidence in God's promises."    

-The Bible: Book of Psalms

I met with a member of our church pastoral staff a few weeks ago. He recommenced reading Psalms 1-150 aloud to the Lord as a part of my daily prayer time. He said doing this has helped restore his heart and relationship with Christ in hard times.  Some of the Psalms speak to me, and some do not, but they are all very emotional pleas or praises by David to the Lord.  Verses from Psalm 6 mirrored exactly what I was feeling in my heart when I read them on August 14th:

2 Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
    Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ I am sick at heart.
    How long, O Lord, until you restore me?

I am worn out from sobbing.
    All night I flood my bed with weeping,
    drenching it with my tears.
⁷ My vision is blurred by grief;
    my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

We have a doctor's appointment on Friday with Dr. U. Please be praying that we do not get any bad news and that both boys are doing well. Thank you!

Love, Krystle 

Godspeed

Sideswiped and Blown Away

We've been planning for two weeks how we will spend our short time with John.  Most parents get from a few minutes to a couple of hours with their TD babies. The average seems to be about 30 minutes for moms who have C-Sections. I've been thinking about what I will say to him, what medical tests/procedures to allow and what pictures I want to take.  It didn't dawn on me until three nights ago that I might not get any time with him.  I have been reading some wonderful books that have been given to me and I was reading a woman's story about how she had expected her daughter to be born alive but she was not.  That was the first moment that it crossed my mind that we might not ever see John take a breath.  You'd think that when you are given a lethal diagnosis you would be thinking it possible that you will never meet your child on Earth. But I never even considered it.  I felt side-swiped and it reminded me of how unprepared I was to hear John's diagnosis in the first place.

I had an anatomy scan at 18 weeks, 5 days pregnant. My mom accompanied me because Christian was working.  My mom and I had a good time during the 45 minute ultrasound looking at Sam and John and seeing all the measurements and little organs. We paid attention but there wasn't anything that made us think something was wrong.  I even asked the sonographer a few times if everything looked alright and she said, "Yes". She then pointed out that John was smiling and that Sam was really moving around.  After the sonogram I saw my doctor's PA because Dr. U was out of town.  We were told that Dr. U would go over the sonographers report but that everything looked great!  I was excited and even put on Facebook that we had two "perfectly healthy" baby boys.

That afternoon I got a phone call from Dr. U as I was driving to Lene's (my sister) to pick up Maggie.  He sounded worried and said that he had not seen the ultrasound himself but that the sonographers report had some 'troubling measurements' in it.  He said that "Baby A's long bones are measuring short and it seems that his heart is a little angled." He said that it could be something serious or something minor but that he wanted me to go to the Perinatologist the next day.  After the initial shock and crying was over, I composed myself and started researching everything that could possibly cause "long bones to be short" and a "twisted" or "angled" heart.  After a few hours on the internet I was convinced that the worst case scenario was that we would have a special needs child with either Down's Syndrome or a form of dwarfism. This was upsetting but I knew that we would do everything we could to make John's life as fulfilling as possible. I started researching schools and programs to aid in the development of children with special needs.  I was scared of the lifelong challenges John would face but was confident Christian and I were up for it.  

The next day Christian, Lene and I went to Dr. B's office.  His sonographer was very detailed and matter-of-fact.  When we saw that John's arm and leg bones were measuring between 11-14 weeks and bowed I was calm because I had already prepared myself to possibly hear "dwarfism".   When the sonographer said that his measurements suggested a type of "skeletal dysplasia" I was scared but still optimistic because I knew there were lots of different types of skeletal dysplasia. I was relieved when she measured his heart and said it looked healthy and fine. She left us and Dr. B walked in a few minutes later.  I've known Dr. B a long time and he looked sad. He did a few more measurements and then told us that he was confident that John had Thanatophoric Dysplasia.  Obviously, none of us knew what that meant.  He went on to explain that John had a lethal form of dwarfism and would not survive long after being delivered. I was prepared to hear a lot of things but not to hear my baby would absolutely die and there was nothing we could do.  I went numb and felt like everything was moving in slow-motion.  I can only compare it to driving down the road in the middle of nowhere and all of a sudden a car crashes into the side of you.  How did you not see the car speeding towards you? This must be the definition of sideswiped. 

So three nights ago I was feeling sideswiped again for the second time in 2 weeks. I felt angry and sad that God might choose to take John before I ever get to look into his eyes or tell him how much I love him. I remember thinking, "Lord, surely I deserve at least a few minutes holding my warm, breathing baby?!?"  I started thinking through the prayers that I had prayed most fervently over the past ten days. Hadn't they been, "Father, please don't let my baby suffer!" and "Lord, let my sons feel my love and be comforted by you".  Weren't these the things that I wanted most for my precious John? Suddenly, I realized that God taking John out of this world, before he entered it, might be the answer to both of my most desperate prayers.  I don't like it -  but what if death is the way to keep John from ever suffering and what if John is most loved and comforted in Jesus' arms instead of mine?   I had the slow-motion feeling again but this time I felt blown away by God's goodness. I think the opposite of sideswiped is blown away. 

As I said above, I don't like it. I don't want John (or Sam or Maggie) to suffer, AND I want him to feel my love and be comforted, AND I want to spend at least a few minutes holding him alive and telling him a lifetime of "I love yous". But I'm thankful and humbled by what God has revealed to my heart. I can see how God answering my prayers could come in the form of John being born still. It breaks my heart but I pray for His will for John, not mine.

The "Hard Moments"

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and offered kind words, loving support and sweet prayers. While my heart is breaking my spirit is being renewed daily by the words and prayers of those around me.  The love we are experiencing is a reminder of God's mercy and providence.

As you can imagine I go through a lot of ups and downs throughout the day.  We've been calling the downs "hard moments".  Some days, I have a lot of hard moments and others I only have two or three.  There is something unique in this grief - it does not get better as time goes on because the dreaded gets closer, not further away.  Every morning when I wake up I think about how I have one less day with John.  When I think of delivery day it takes my breath away.  This eventually leads me to thinking about arriving at the hospital and having to later walk into the OR.   I calm down by meditating on "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever" and reminding myself that today is one less day every parent has with their child.  I'm blessed to know of John's diagnosis and to have this special time remembering and treasuring every little kick and nudge.

Besides my daily morning "hard moment" there were a few other yesterday that were painful but your prayers helped me through. I am a 'to-do' list maker.  I like to have organized thoughts and cross things off my list as they are accomplished. Lately, my 'to-do' list catches me off guard and sets off crying.  It is surreal when I look down at it and #3 says "Finish John's Birth/Care Plan" and #7 says "Contact funeral home director".  I have so many family members and friends who have offered to help however they can.  I know that numerous people would happily take care of #3 and #7 for me. I don't want that.  As a mom these are things that I have, and want, to do myself. I just can't believe I'm doing them. 

I got a voicemail yesterday from Buy Buy Baby telling us that our crib was in and ready to be delivered.  The girl on the phone also told me that she needed my credit card information so that she could process our refund "for the other crib."  It was a 30 second voicemail, she was very sweet, but it hurt like hell. Please pray that when they come to deliver Sam's furniture this Saturday I am able to see the joy and blessing in it. I have not been looking forward to setting up a nursery for one, when I have everything for two.  I was very upset about this fact today until I came across the blog of an acquaintance. She is expecting a child with a fatal diagnosis and wrote so beautifully about how she isn't getting to prepare her baby's room on Earth but she knows that the Lord is preparing his room in Heaven.  How much more beautiful and loving will that nursery be!

Later yesterday afternoon I was at my sister's house.  Her boys and Maggie were having a "dance party" and running around like crazy.  I started thinking about how I'd never get to see John dance with Maggie and Sam.  I was about to cry when I thought about how if he lived, he wouldn't be able to dance on his misshapen, fragile legs. Right then I was reminded that his body will be restored in Heaven and he can dance with angels for eternity. I thought about how his only dances in this life are going to be while he's in my belly so I joined in the "dance party".  I'm sure it was quite a sight - 4 kids and a pregnant woman dancing around to Maroon 5 in the livingroom, but it felt right.  This "hard moment" was turned into a praise and a fun memory. I'm sure I was being uplifted in prayer at that exact moment by one of you.  Thank you.   

Christian is a firm believer in setting goals and meditating on achieving the goals. He is very much a  "Mind over Matter" guy.  We have a lot of goals but our biggest one right now is to do everything we can to make this pregnancy last at least 36 weeks. We've been telling John and Sam every day that they have to stay put until at least December 3rd. Please join us in praying that these boys don't come for another 109 days. 

Love, Krystle

Starting out

I'm starting this blog to keep family and friends updated as Christian and I go through the remainder of my pregnancy with John and Sam. (For anyone who doesn't know, I am 20 weeks pregnant with twin boys.)  I am also blogging, instead of emailing, in the hope that I can bring comfort to someone who might be in a similar situation now or in the future.  Over the past 10 days I have spent much time on the internet and the thing that has brought me the most comfort is reading the blogs of moms who have lived through losing their newborn. Some of these blog posts are from 5 years ago but their words are still ministering to hearts.  I've titled my blog "Wonderfully Made" to remind myself and others that although John has a fatal diagnosis and will be born with defects, God promises that he is "Wonderfully Made" and was crafted with deliberate care.

 On August 3rd, 2012 I sent the below email to our closest family and friends:

I'm sorry to do this through email but I cannot call each of you personally and I need my prayer warriors.  I know each of you have cared for my twin boys since they were just embryos so it is with a very heavy heart that I have to share this news with you.

Today we found out that "Baby A", John Kay, has Thanatophoric Dysplasia.  It is a lethal form of skeletal dysplasia.  Babies with TD usually die within an hour of delivery.  I was told that John would live minutes, maybe hours on the day he is born.  "Baby B", Samuel Christian, is healthy, doing well and should not be affected by John's condition. 

We were given two options today: to stop John's heart so that he doesn't cause preterm labor and take up 'living space' for Sam or carry on with the pregnancy.  I could never kill one of my babies so the first option is not an option at all.  Christian and I will do everything in our power to carry these boys as long as possible.

My family needs your prayers more than ever.  We have a lot of difficult decisions to make and I can't even pretend that I know what we should do. An amnio has been suggested but it increases the risks on both boys and would only give a 100% diagnosis of the type of skeletal dysplasia.  The doctors are 95% sure it is Thanatophoric Dysplasia but if it's not, the other types that it could be are just as lethal. We don't want to add any risk to Sam or John so I don't think we are going to do it.  We are still praying through it though.

Please pray specifically that I do not go into preterm labor, as many carrying TD babies do, as that would put Sam at risk. Please pray that Christian and I are able to maintain joy and happiness for Maggie's sake and that our marriage is only strengthened by this.  Please pray that John knows how loved he is and that he has a peaceful and comforting time with his brother in my belly for the next 4 months.

We know that everything happens for a reason and that God does not give us more than we can handle. I am comforted by the thought of my Granny waiting to hold John in her loving arms and proudly show him off in Heaven. I am desperately looking for ways to praise God in this storm and verses from Psalm 139 have given me moments of comfort today:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

Thank you for your prayers for my family.
Love, Krystle

 On August 9th I updated our friends and family again. Below is a part of that email: 

We had an appointment with my OBGYN, Dr. U this morning. From now on I will see him and my perinatologist, Dr. B, once a month.  The appointments will be staggered so that I see one of them every two weeks.  Dr. B will monitor the twins and their development and Dr. U will be in charge of my care and making sure the pregnancy stays as safe as possible.  Dr. U has performed three of my surgeries, delivered Maggie and is a trusted friend.  He will deliver Sam and John as well and I feel comforted by that. Sam and John both had strong heartbeats this morning. Sam is more active in the mornings and John likes to kick at night but they were both moving around at the doctors office. Many women who carry TD babies end up getting polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) but both Dr. U and Dr. B say I'm not at risk of this yet. This is good news!  Dr. U also feels that if I do develop polyhydramnios that he will be able to safely reduce the amniotic fluid or use meds to slow it down so that I can carry Sam as long as possible. Christian's main concern has been preterm labor and I think he felt better after hearing about all of methods Dr. U has to stop preterm labor if necessary. Dr. U gave me a prescription for Ventolin that I am supposed to take if I feel any contractions.  Christian asked about bed rest and Dr. U said that he's pretty sure I'm heading in that direction.  He said "late-20's or early 30's" and I'm almost 20 weeks now so I hope I have at least 6-10 weeks left on my feet.  

Christian and I have decided not to do the amnio. We do not want to increase the risks on either of our boys and it would not fix or solve anything.  Both of my doctors agree and say that as the next few months pass, John's condition will become more and more evident through sonogram. We have a meeting with a representative from Hand to Hold tomorrow. They are a nonprofit that offers all kinds of services to women who have fatal prenatal diagnoses, women who suffer unexpected loss and women who have babies in the NICU.  We've been told that they are very helpful in discussing birth plans, palliative care, offering suggestions on the best way to spend time with John and helping with funeral arrangements.  These meetings are difficult but I feel more relaxed after knowing exactly what to expect. We still have to talk to the head of Labor & Delivery and Neonatalogy at our hospital but at least we now know who those people are and what questions to ask them.

At my Granny's funeral Pastor Kim said that she once comforted Granny by reminding her that God knows what it is like to lose a son. I remind myself of this daily and pray for Granny's strength and wisdom.  I know God holds all the tears I've cried in the palm of His hand and that there is a reason for all of this. I'm just very sad for my baby.