John's service

I cannot believe it has already been 2 weeks since John's service and over 3 weeks since my boys were born. Time is moving so quickly.  Some days I'm glad and think I must be one day closer to feeling "normal" again and other days it scares me because I'm worried I might forget what John felt like in my arms or the way he smelled.  Yesterday was my birthday and I shared with a friend that I keep waiting for the morning that I wake up and it feels like the holidays and I feel like celebrating. She told me that it might not happen this year, and that's okay. She's right - I don't know why I needed someone else to tell me it was okay if I didn't feel like celebrating but I did. 

I meant to write about John's service last week but it never felt right. Right now, it's 3am and I'm snuggling Sam and it feels right. So as this angel sleeps on my chest I will remember my angel that sleeps in Heavenly peace. 

We were discharged from the hospital on Sunday, December 2nd and spent much of the following week getting ready for John's service.  Christian's mom, Margarita, stayed with us for the entire week and we were so blessed to have her here. She entertained Maggie, kept the house running, ran errands, made sure everyone was fed and helped with Sam so that I could get some rest.  She also just listened and loved on me and made a difficult time more bearable.  I am so fortunate to have not one, but two, wonderful and loving moms.

On Thursday, December 6th, my mom and dad went to the funeral home to be present for John's cremation.  I wanted someone to be there but I couldn't do it myself. My mom and dad held him and kissed him and told me afterward that he still looked beautiful and peaceful. Later that afternoon they brought John home.  It was hard but felt good to have him here.  My dad made the box John is in and it is beautiful.  It took him months to build and he made it out of a fallen tree he found out at their house. It is also a music box that plays, "How Great Thou Art" and has a silver plate on the front that says "John Kay Alvarado."  I will post pictures of it soon.  Having John in the box my dad built for him makes me feel like John is less alone, even though I know John is in Heaven and not in the box.  

They day of the funeral I woke up and remember thinking, "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." I knew I wouldn't be "glad" but I reminded myself that the Lord was with us and had chosen this path for us so I should rejoice in that truth.  The morning was calm and spent getting the house ready for the friends and family that would be coming over after the service.  I began to feel nervous when I started getting dressed.  I remember having a slow motion feeling as I put on my makeup and looked in the mirror.  I thought, "Am I really getting dressed for my baby's funeral? How did this happen? How do you choose an eyeshadow color to wear to your child's funeral?"  I was on the verge of breaking down when Christian came in and said something to me. I don't remember what it was but it helped me keep it together through getting dressed. Christian and I went to the church early so that we could take John ourselves and make sure everything was set up. Christian drove as I sat with John on my lap.  We held hands and didn't speak. You hear people say, "There are no words...." but you don't know it until you find yourself in one of those moments. On that short drive to the church, with John on my lap, it was so obvious what we were heading to do that there were no words.  I didn't know what to pray for so I prayed for the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf and to be preparing my heart to hear what He wanted me to.

Christian carried John into the church and as I watched him I thought about how much growing up we had done together in the past 8 years. He looked handsome and sad and I fell in love with him again in that moment.

Family began showing up and it was so nice to see everyone. As we waited for the funeral to start I had many special moments with loved ones that I will never forget.  Terry came and told us it was time to get started and he prayed over our family before we walked out. I felt shaky but Christian held my hand and led me to our seats.  After Terry welcomed everyone we sang the two songs we had selected, "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman and "How Great Thou Art." Despite my broken heart I worshiped! I poured out my sadness to the Lord and felt His presence. I remember singing, "And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare. And there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the earth" and thinking, "Yes, Lord!" I lifted my hand as we sang "When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, What joy shall fill my heart." I smiled and thought of how thankful I was for the knowledge that I would see my baby boy again. Terry read Psalm 139: 13-16 and spoke about how John was indeed "Wonderfully made" and how he was the Lord's child and that his purpose was carried out in the short time he was here.  He shared what he saw in the hospital as we loved John into and out of this world and spoke on how beautiful this experience was because of God's involvement in it. I wish I had recorded it because Terry's words were perfect and a salve to my injured heart.  He said many meaningful things but the thing that has stuck with me the most and I find myself repeating every day is, "Death did not take John, God did."  When I think of it like that it brings me peace and understanding. John is not gone, he is very much alive and spending time in the presence of the Lord waiting on us to be together again. Death did not take my precious boy, God did!


When Terry was finished Jenny sang, "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks.  She did an amazing job and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. As she sang I remember willing myself to let go of all the future plans I had made for John and Sam together - matching outfits, same little league teams, living room wrestling matches, bunk beds.  Then I thought about his first word I would never hear, birthday pictures I wouldn't take, skinned knees I wouldn't kiss and his little hands I would never hold again on Earth. I closed my eyes, gave it all to God, prayed, "Thy will be done" and felt comforted in that moment. At the end of the service we played "If We Never Meet Again This Side of Heaven" by Johnny Cash -  Christian's touch of course!

We spent the afternoon catching up with family and friends. I was so touched by all the people who came to celebrate John! I was joyful in the company of so many wonderful, loving people. Thank you to each of you who attended!

This past weekend in church our pastor preached on making sense of the senseless. It was a wonderful message and we read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7:

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

 I read over this scripture a few times this week and it made me wonder about what people have suffered so that they could be a comfort to me during this season of my life.  So many people have brought me comfort and compassion and I know you can only do that out of a heart that also knows suffering and distress. It is my prayer that each of you realize what a blessing you have been to my family through your compassion and comfort, which were brought about through your previous sufferings. I hope you can see and feel the way God is restoring you heart.  It is also my prayer that I use my troubled heart to pour love and comfort on those who need it. If there are those I can comfort through my experience, I want to. There is no better way for me to honor my John.

Love, Krystle

John & Sam's birth story

Friends and Family,
Every day I wake up with the intention of writing about my boys' birth and John's memorial service. Some days it feels too painful to write, some days I'm at a loss for words and other days I'm just too tired.   I don't know if it is the grief, lack of sleep or baby blues but I am not as productive as I used to be! This morning I feel thankful and semi-well rested so here I am. 

On November 28th I started to have sporadic contractions and other labor signs. I called my doctor and he recommended coming in at 11am. I had a feeling that this time was different but I was not scared.  My mom rode with me and we sat quietly praying and listening to praise music.  I was sent to Labor & Delivery to be observed.  They saw that I was having contractions and so we waited to see Dr. U.  He came in around 3pm and said I was dilating but it could still be another day or two.  He said that since I was there, there was no used to waiting to deliver because he felt that it was imminent and he was worried about John's head size growing much larger.  After prayer I felt that we should move forward and I asked if we could wait until the morning.  I wanted to wait so that all our family had time to get to the hospital and so that I would have one last night with my boys.  My csection was scheduled for 7am the next morning.  I was checked into the hospital and our birth/care plan was put into action.  St. David's did a phenomenal job of addressing each aspect of our birth plan.  They put me in a large L&D suite across from a nurses station and away from other delivering moms.  My nurses were amazing and treated me with love and tenderness. Everyone did their best to accommodate me and my family and I will forever be grateful to them. 

Over the next few hours family trickled in from across Texas to love on us and await Sam and John's arrival.  I felt relieved that we had decided to stay and schedule the csection because at 1am my water broke - these boys were coming on November 29th all along! God knows what a planner I am and He saved us from the panicked, middle of the night rush to the hospital. My contractions got progressively worse and closer together throughout the night.  I was offered pain medication but I wanted to feel the entire experience and I didn't want to be sleepy or groggy when I met my boys for the first time.  Our wonderful pastors, Terry and Ryan, prayed over us before I was wheeled to the OR. I felt a Heavenly reassurance. I remember hugging and kissing my family as I went into the delivery room and Christian telling me that he loved me and he'd be in the OR soon. I remember feeling thankful that I didn't break down or have to be carried into the OR....I went willingly and felt peace.   Two nurses had me stand in front of a fetal monitor so they could listen to the boys to make sure they weren't under any stress before we started.  They tracked Sam right away. He was being still.  It took them almost 10 minutes to monitor John. He kept moving and kicking so they had a hard time monitoring him.  I started crying and thinking that he knew what was coming and he was just trying to buy himself a little more time in my belly with his brother. The nurses grabbed my hands and spoke kind words.  When I looked around the room I noticed there were at least 20 people buzzing around.  One of Dr. U's nurses that I've known for years came up to me and hugged me. She was crying too and she held onto me as they started putting the spinal in my back.  I started to shake and I repeated over and over again, "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

Dr. U came in and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.  A few minutes later I saw Christian and my mom enter. It felt so good to have Christian at my side and holding my hand.  He calmed me down and helped me breathe through the waves of nausea. Dr. U said it was time to get started.  Only 3 or 4 minutes later they told us to get ready to meet John.  Dr. U held him up over the curtain and John cried! Our sweet baby boy was alive and breathing and crying! I said, "Praise God!" and they took him to wipe him down and clear his throat and nose.  One minute later, Dr. U said, "Here is Sam!" and held him over the curtain.  I remember thinking, "God is good!" and "He has really long legs!" Before I knew it, Christian was holding John and bringing him over to me.  I rubbed my face on his and kissed his cheek. We told him we loved him and that we were so happy to meet him.  He was so sweet and chubby and he smelled like Heaven. He was making noises so he must be able to breathe! I looked to Dr. B (who was there to assess if we should change our care plan in case John came out healthier than expected) and he smiled at me and said we had made all the right decisions and that John might have 30 minutes to a few hours to live. I closed my eyes and told myself that this cup of suffering would not pass but it was hard to believe it with that sweet angel on my chest. Christian came back over and was holding Sam.  I asked how Sam was doing and everyone said, "Great!" and "Better than expected!" Praise God!  I nuzzled Sam and looked at John and smiled. My boys were here and they were beautiful and my heart overflowed. 

I took a minute to look around the OR and everyone was smiling at us.  Christian, my mom, Lene' (how did she get in here!!?!), both doctors and all my nurses were smiling and oohing and ahhing over my boys and I was a proud mama! Not long after that we all went back to my room as a family, as we had prayed for. Our family that was there came in and got to meet Sam and John.  I thought that it would be hard to let others hold John but it wasn't.  I wanted to show him off and watch him get loved on by all his family. I remember sitting and smiling as I watched Sam and John get passed from person to person. I loved hearing how one had my mouth and one had my eyes and how much dark hair each of them had.  When John's heart rate started to slow he was back in my arms.  I don't remember if everyone left the room or if I just didn't notice people any longer but for the remaining moments I held John and told him not to be afraid. I told him that I was so proud of him and so proud to be his mama. I told him that he could leave us and go to Jesus now if it was his time and I promised him that I would see him again soon.  I rubbed his face and nose and sang him "This Little Light of Mine." I held his little hands and kissed his fingers. I remember Christian sitting beside me the whole time and holding Sam.  Our family surrounded my bed and Terry lead us in prayer. I noticed that John was going longer and longer in between breaths and I started praying.  At 9:50am, the neonatologist came in and checked John's pulse.  He told me he was very sorry but that John was no longer with us. I looked down and in my arms was a beautiful sleeping baby boy who only ever knew love. He was in Paradise and being welcomed by angels and Christ himself, but my heart broke. 

After John passed I unwrapped him and looked at every inch of his little body.   He was perfect from his dark wavy hair down to his itty bitty toenails. He he had his first bath with Sam and the nurses brought them to my bedside so that I could watch as they were cleaned.  While the boys were laying next to each other, Sam nestled close to John and put his tiny arm around him. It was the cutest thing! 

A little while later, Mr. Hanson from the funeral home came to pick up John.  Everyone left the room and gave me and Christian time alone with John and Sam to say good bye.  I don't remember what I said but I know that when it was time for me to hand over John, I could not.  I couldn't let him go.  His daddy had to pick him up out of my arms and give him to Mr. Hanson. I couldn't watch them wrap him up and I couldn't watch them walk out the door. Tears filled my eyes as I was consumed with the worst feeling imaginable. I sobbed and shook until the pain in my csection incision begged me to stop and I realized that Maggie and Sam would suffer if I didn't heal quickly.  I don't really remember anything after that on November 29th. It was a beautiful, awesome and painful day. I can see many blessings that were poured on me throughout the labor and delivery of my sons. Thank you for your part in that.  Even though this bitter cup did not pass, I can celebrate the fact that God was glorified in John's short life.  

John's memorial service was on December 8th and it was beautiful and joyful. I will write about it in a few days. 

Below are a few photos from November 29th. These were taken by Bill Peary with Peary Photography.  Bill did an amazing job capturing our love, excitement and loss. We were honored that he was there and I'm so thankful I'll always have these pictures. 

Happy mama with her boys!

Proud mama and daddy!

Holding hands

Family pouring love on us

Prayers for our angel boy

Brotherly love

John and Sam

John Kay Alvarado, November 29th, 4lbs 13 oz, 14.5 inches

Thank you for your prayers.
Love, Krystle

Remembering John

The past 6 days have been beautiful, awesome and painful.  When I feel up to it I will blog about the time leading up to delivery and the birth of our boys.  For now, I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers. They sustained us and allowed us peace and joy in a remarkable situation. We were surrounded by Christ's love and able to enjoy every second with John.  I experienced joy and absolute love during their delivery. I was able to smile at John and tell him everything I wanted to. He was held by each of his grandparents and his aunts and uncles that were present.  John was never in pain and passed peacefully from this world in my arms.  Our John Kay was 4 lbs 12 oz and 14.5 inches long, much bigger than expected!  Samuel Christian is 4 lbs 11 oz and 18 inches long and such a good baby. He loves being held and snuggled by his mama. We were discharged yesterday afternoon and I'm so thankful that Sam was able to come home with us.  Leaving the hospital without John was difficult. Maggie  is so happy to have us home and she's been a very helpful and loving big sister so far. 

We will be celebrating John's life this Saturday, December 8th at 2pm at Lake Hills Church, www.lhc.org.  We would love for you to join us as we remember our sweet boy.

Love, Krystle

It's time!

Good afternoon from Room 19 of St. David's Women's Center! I have been admitted and unless these babies decide to come tonight, we will be having a c-section at 7am in the morning.  I would appreciate your prayers for a safe delivery and for the Lord to sustain my family over the next 24 hours.  Please be praying specifically for us from 7-8:00am tomorrow morning while we are in the OR and meeting Sam and John for the first time.   I am feeling at peace and nervous at the same time. I am thankful for the time I've had with my boys and I praise the Lord who created them both with care:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed. 

Psalm 139

I do not know what will happen tomorrow but I trust in the one who does.  Either by miracle or death my beloved John will be healed and restored tomorrow. Please join me in praising God for this truth. I truly appreciate each of you and the prayers you have lifted up on behalf of my family.  

Love, Krystle

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for in the Alvarado household this year; our faith, family, friends and all the blessings and struggles that have gotten us to this point. There was a point a few years ago when Christian and I thought we would never be able to have children of our own and the Lord has blessed us with three!  We are abundantly blessed and thankful.

I've been discussing Thanksgiving with Maggie and I thought I would share the things that she is thankful for because it makes me laugh. This is her order, not mine: Blue, pink, red, yellow, Mama, Daddy, Mimi, Lincoln (our dog), chocolate, babies (in Mama's belly) Lovey, Rapunzel and Baby Lizard (Pascal from the movie "Tangled"). When quizzed about other family members she would say, "Yes!" and shake her head so please do not get your feelings hurt if you weren't listed.....Aunt Nene'! :)

A dear friend of ours sent us a sermon she heard on the radio the other day. It was such a God moment because I needed to hear the message right when I received it.  I love it when that happens! The message made me think and made me thankful.  Below is a condensed version of what I was sent. I pray it pricks your heart the way it did mine.

Grace, mercy, and peace be to you in Jesus' Name, the One who makes a thanksgiving life possible, today and forever. Amen.

Next week is Thanksgiving Day in the United States. And, for many, it is still a commemoration of the feast of harvest that the Pilgrims celebrated with the Indians 400 years ago. For others, though, it is a call not only to be reminded of that first Thanksgiving Day, to be thankful to God for your blessings, but a charge to live life a certain way in all circumstances.

But, when you gather around the Thanksgiving dinner table this year, let me ask you this: if you had been one of those first Pilgrim settlers coming to the New World, would you have been able to give thanks that first Thanksgiving Day?

Consider what they had been through. They had uprooted themselves and sailed for America, on a journey so dangerous, they were advised first "To make out thy will." The crossing was very rough and the Mayflower was blown off course. Instead of reaching Virginia, where Englishmen had settled 13 years earlier, the Pilgrims ended up in the wilds of Massachusetts. By the time they found a place to make their new home, Plymouth, they called it, winter had set in.

The storms were frightful. Shelter was rudimentary. There was little food. Within weeks, nearly all the settlers were sick.

Governor William Bradford later recalled, "in two or three months' time, half of their company died, especially in January and February....being infected with the scurvy and other diseases.... There died sometimes two or three of a day."

When spring came, Indians showed them how to plant corn, but their first crops were dismal. Supplies ran out, their sponsors in London refused to send more and even when they first sent a shipment of goods to England, it was stolen by pirates.

So, if you had been there in 1621, if you had seen half of your friends die, if you had suffered through famine, malnutrition, and sickness, if you had endured a year of heartbreak and tragedy, would you have felt grateful?

In view of such things, Paul's words, then, seem almost incredible, yet he unequivocally proclaims for those who trust in Christ, "Rejoice always! Pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances!

Who can live that kind of life? What kind of person would you have to be? I'll tell you the truth; it sure seems like a person like that would have to be superhuman, almost too good to be true. So, is that really the secret of a thankful life, being superhuman? Or is it something as simple and as powerful as knowing the God of heaven and earth, the Lord of the cross and resurrection as your Savior in all things?

Let's learn together today, that because we can trust in God in all things, we can, as His people, live a life of thanksgiving in this sinful world, no matter the struggle or the circumstance. Let's learn that there is a right way to live life, resourced by faith, inspired by hope, unleashed in thanksgiving.

"Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.19

Now, if Paul is saying that this is the right way to live, why do so many, Christians and non, not live this way?

Well, first of all, many people today have a wrong view of thanksgiving. You'll hear people recount their blessings as a means for that thankful spirit, but even then, deep in their hearts are also the realities of their sufferings, pains, disappointments, and trials. Too many people miss out on the power of a thanksgiving life because, even when they try to live this way, they falsely root their thankfulness in circumstances of the moment and not in the enduring work and word of God on their behalf.

Circumstances change, But God never changes. Other people might fail us, but God never forgets His people. Our own insecurities, even our sins, can stifle our thankfulness just when it is needed most. But God is a constant resource for our thanksgiving life, with His forgiveness, His promises, and His love always at the ready in our greatest time of need!

During this Thanksgiving Season and all throughout the year put the specific grace of God to work in your life; with a rejoicing heart because God never stops looking out for you, because God Himself is making a way through the troubles that you are experiencing. And even if you are facing the reality of death this holiday season, He is merely setting the stage for your glorious healing and restoration. Rejoice always by faith in Christ, you are always in the Father's caring hands.

Finally, during this Thanksgiving Season, put the specific grace of God to work in your life by praying without ceasing. Why? Because God hears your prayers no matter the answer. You know, God always answers, either "Yes, No, or wait," never maybe, because there is no maybe with God and His gracious love. He didn't go to the cross for you and rise again from the dead for you to offer you a maybe answer to prayer. No, He answers. And those answers are always meant to keep us close to Him in faith.

And open your heart up to the fact that God can use all circumstances in this world to draw you closer to Him, to draw others to Himself through you, or even to deepen your relationships to one another through trial.

And because of Him, dear friend, you can put the power of rejoicing and thanksgiving to work in your life today. Let the troubles and the successes of each day be merely opportunities to give thanks to God who promises through it all, to be faithful to you. Live your life in Christ, be resourced by faith, inspired by hope, unleashed in thanksgiving.

Presented on The Lutheran Hour on November 18, 2012By Rev. Gregory Seltz, Lutheran Hour Speaker
Copyright Lutheran Hour Ministries

Thank you for your prayers! We are thankful for them.
Love, Krystle

Confidence

A couple of weeks ago, after Christian and I turned out the light and said our good-nights, I whispered, "I'm scared" into the dark and started sobbing. I know it broke his heart to hear me say it but it broke mine to admit it to us both.   I was mainly scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to be a good mama to Sam and John on delivery day.  I was scared that if labor started right then, my heart would fail me and I would spend precious moments being a mess instead of being a smiling, soothing and comforting presence to my boys.  I've been told numerous times that children feed off of their parents' emotions and I believe it.  So it has been one of my continual prayers that I am able to praise God for every moment we have John and remain in a spirit of Thanksgiving, peace and love the whole time he is with us. I've witnessed firsthand how beautiful and peaceful it is when someone is loved over into eternity.  My Granny passed away this summer and we were all at her bedside when she left this world. For two days my mom held her, recounted happy memories and told her that she could go to Jesus now if it was her time. She smiled at Granny and listed all the people in Heaven who would be so happy to see her.  The few times Granny opened her eyes, she saw loving, smiling faces that told her she was not alone and that it was okay if she had to leave. If John has to leave us, then I want that for him.  I have been scared for the past few weeks that I wouldn't be strong enough but I'm not scared anymore.  This weekend I spent a lot of time in scripture and in prayer pouring out my doubt to the Lord and He heard me.  This specific fear has been removed from my heart and it has been replaced by confidence! I am confident that on delivery day the Lord will drink deeply of my despair and will be present to shower joy over my heart so that I can love my baby into eternity. 

This week I read these words and they echo exactly what I am feeling in my heart:

Psalm 40: 1-5

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

    and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

    out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

    and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

    a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

    They will put their trust in the Lord.

 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,

    who have no confidence in the proud

    or in those who worship idols.

O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.

    Your plans for us are too numerous to list.

    You have no equal.

If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,

    I would never come to the end of them. 

I am starting to get excited about delivery day.  I'd like to put it off until December 3rd so that Sam has plenty of time to develop but I am not dreading it like I was.  I'm in a place of waiting but not worrying like before. I was reminded this morning to, "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7.  It's hard to do much else on bed rest! :) 

My appointments with Dr. B and Dr. U went well this week. Dr. B did a sonogram and both boys look good! We didn't get a good photo of either because they are so squished in my belly but John was moving all around and Sam had his fists in front of his face again. I saw Dr. U yesterday and he said that I'm now measuring 40 weeks - I definitely feel it!  Both doctors say that getting to 34 weeks (this Sunday) is a great milestone and Dr. U says that if I can make it to 35 weeks the chances of Sam coming home when I do are very high! Thank you for your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy and good doctors appointments.

I do have a specific prayer request: Maggie has been sick the past 3 days. She just has a cold but she hasn't been sleeping well and she's been very clingy. Please pray that she is well before I go into the hospital. Her mama being away for a few nights will be even harder on her if she isn't feeling well.

Thank you for your prayers old friends, new friends and future friends! There is nothing I appreciate more than you lifting up my family in prayer to our faithful God. I know He hears us and He has the awesome power to replace fear with confidence! 

"My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!" - Psalm 57:7

Love, Krystle

32 weeks, 4 days!

Your prayers are working friends! It's been over a week since my last post and these babies are still in my belly, praise God! I see Dr. B and Dr. U weekly now and both of our appointments this week went well.  Lene' went with me to Dr. B's on Monday and we watched as they measured Sam and John.  Sam looks wonderful and is practicing breathing, which is a great sign! He weighs about 4 lbs and had both of his fists up against his face so we could not get a good profile picture.  John's heartbeat was strong and he was moving around a lot.  It's hard for them to get a good estimate on how much he weighs because weight is estimated by arm & leg lengths and head & belly circumference.  His arms and legs measure 16-17 weeks, his head measures 35 weeks and his belly measures 32 weeks so the formulas are off but Dr. B assumes he weighs around 3 lbs. His heart is now taking up more than 70% of his tiny chest and he is not practicing breathing, as expected. We did get to see his tiny hands and I enjoyed that. Dr. B and Dr. U both say that each day I stay pregnant takes about 3 days off of Sam's NICU stay, so everyday is a victory and praise.  All of the prayers, bed rest and medicines are working and they both think I could make it to 34 weeks/November 19th but I haven't given up on Dec. 3rd!

Speaking of bed rest, I am so blessed to have my mom and Lene' close by.  My mom comes over every morning before Christian leaves for work and stays with me and Maggie until he gets home.  She entertains Maggie, anticipates my every need, drives me to appointments, cleans my house and buys groceries. Besides taking care of all the daily stuff, she is also here to hold me when I'm sad.  I don't think there is any substitute for your mom's arms when you are crying, especially when those arms hug as well as Laura Kirchmeyer's!  I do not know what we would do without her and I hope I'm half the mom that she is. Lene' is mini-mom and fills in wherever we need her. She is up all hours of the night so when I can't sleep, or I'm having contractions at 3am, I'm able to talk to her. She is hilarious when I need to laugh and comforting when I'm upset. When I ask her opinion on something she really thinks about it, researches it and comes back with a thoughtful response. I hope everyone has a friend or sibling like that in their life.

I have so much to be thankful for so I feel guilty for the sadness I've been feeling this week. The steroid shots and the anti-contraction medicine make me feel jittery, anxious and like I'm having a panic attack so I'm sure that has made it worse.  I'm having a hard time thinking about when John physically leaves us.  I don't know how I call a nurse to come take my baby from me.  How do I decide when I've held him long enough? And how do I sleep in a hospital knowing that my baby is in some cold dark place all alone in the same building?  My head tells me that he will no longer be there. I know he will be in Paradise experiencing so much joy and love but I go crazy thinking about him being alone.  I've read that it's easier for some moms to have their baby go straight from their arms to the funeral home. I think I've decided on this but then I change my mind.  I don't know how you make these decisions. I've been praying for discernment but so far I just feel like there are only bad choices.  I've also been sad thinking about Sam being in the NICU.  If he is, I won't be able to see him for 12 hours or more after having a c-section.  I feel silly admitting that. I know there are so much more important things than worrying about not being with him right away. I know Sam won't be alone and a family member will be with him. I am thankful that my doctors say that Sam should be perfectly healthy after a brief NICU stay, if any. I try to focus on that but this week I just keep fearing that I'll be leaving the hospital without either of my babies and it makes my heart hurt. I've known this is the case all along but this week it is occupying my thoughts. 

I haven't been as intentional in my bible study and quiet time this week. I believe the majority of this sadness and worry is the result.  I have spent hours thinking and praying but not hearing what the Lord has to say to me through His word. I know only the Great Physician can heal my heart and give me the comfort I need. I plan on spending time in His word this weekend.

Thank you for your prayers for my family.
Love, Krystle